Will you be my Study Buddy? Self proclaimed self maintained.
I'm still here.... I will never leave.... I will be here.... Knowing your with me!!
You don't realize what you have until it's gone!
Why is the show army wives keep coming to my mind like I'm suppose to watch it?!?
I thought of the last time I saw staci at Arby's with her brother Dylan!! It was right next to the recuiting station for the army!! Why are these memory making me lose control... I lay in bed and I cant hold it in...
Why why why why!! GILBERT!! To have and to hold in sickness and in health. To honor and Cherish until Death do you part. I've already died alone once, because of all the lies...."you lose customers when your not straight forward with them" Yes, Religion is a form of business.
When I saw the picture of Vivianna holding a baby in her arms standing next to you, "live a happily ever after without me in the picture if that is what you advertise; that is what you get!" Yes, I saw all the post leading up to and after my birthday. Knowing the ones that were most recent were just my battle tactic put to use!!! "copy and pasted straight from my iPhone." Lily wanted to see the cat at your house. I mean she ditched you for angry birds once already. I guess you didn't get the hint!
"Santos hits hard than you." truth hurts!! Oh well, when a Life is built on lies that is how it ends!!!!
Damn it Santos.... It shouldn't have to be this way. I shouldn't have to grow balls big enough to call you. It's like every stupid car I see I'm like is that the mop? It looks like it, I hate this. All these stupid games despite all of it, you said you could go months with out having some one... Just chill'n with your family. Well, for fuck sake thats all I've been doing and I still don't even get a glimps of you. Well except when I saw you painted the 4runner white with spray paint!!! Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I seriously hate you right now... We should be going to the mountains taking Lily and Gabriel. Just like we did last October when we went to the oaks perserve. You suck!!!
If anybody teaches Lily to fight I will tell her talk to her Dad. He thinkings he is a ninja... But the only person he ever fought with was me! And half the time was always in front of her. It didn't matter where it was! He'd drink and end up hitting me just like the night I danced with Santos. Gilbert loved walking up to me and slapping my ass while I danced!!! Lolie was the one who took the pictures of us dancing. Until I saw them I hadn't even noticed how close we were. I miss the feeling of bliss, just like the night we danced in Madera. Before Santos stood up to Gilbert while he gave us a ride home in the same Tahoe. I was snickering to myself! "wow this guy is sticking up for me and he doesn't even know what I had just been through" when I asked for his phone to break up with Gilbert.... That was when I threw up my peace sign!!!
I had got the strength to walk away!
The day I lost Santos was the day Peter came over to check on me and Gilbert was sitting on the couch. I lied to Peter wishing Gilbert had never been there! When I saw him and his chipmunck cheeks I held myself together as much as I could before my heart burst!! Ever since then it's been heart ache! Now I'm home.... And I still think of the little good times we had.
The day I wrote the poem on facebook about a dream come true I woke up gasping for breath, I couldn't believe what I had saw! But I did believe it because of who I was sleeping next to. It was Gilbert and Lily but in the poem I put my child. There are some things I like to keep to myself. I hate Gilbert because I know I'll never get over the pain he has caused, I just live with it! I know I can move on but I also know the minute I get extremely mad. I'll end up calling who ever I am mad at, Gilbert. That is the root of my hate. It's the image I have given it. It's also why I hate myself. I know there is nothing I can do to change it "i'm completely powerless!" It was what I saw in the dream of my testimony of light! Him playing with Lily and me hating it! "i thought this is what you wanted?" I went inside my house and shut the door! The next dream was with Santos, him trying to help me get away from the nightmare of repeating my past! But, I still woke up to the reality of me having to share Lily with a man that I had wasted so much time on. I didn't want to anymore! I sat in the shower and my mom asking me if Gilbert was the hole in my heart To sing to me and hold me! I told her "no he is the one that hurt me." Just like I told Rick Rush, "no problem" when he asked if I could let Gilbert Go I wiped the dust off my shoulders because I knew I was going to replace him with the thought of Santos, no matter how long it took! Just a single thought.
When you put two dominant males into one room..... There is usually only one winner! When you pair a woman to a man... The woman will always make sure she is right, even when she is wrong!!! It's best to find a way for the woman to do what she would want done for her.
I remember the story you told me about how Ryan Got Lolie back. Well, I just did my version in a blog. My imagination can take me to the ends of the Earth but I only want one best friend. Santos you piss me off to the point I'm about to move on! If I did all this in vain..... I'll not only hate you but allowed you to make a fool of me. I want a person who is on their career path, I'm on mine! Whatever you choose I will support your choice..... Just let me be apart of it!
Douche Bag you were suppose to be different from the rest! Did I seriously have to do all of this?!? No, I didn't..... But, to me you are worth it.
Fortune Cookie says "If you care enough for a result you will most certainly attain it."
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