Written Aug. 7 2011

Walking down the st one day. She asked me why everyone was looking at her. I told her it's because she is so beautiful and she's a princess!! Every family that has opened their hearts to her would say the same thing. I wish I could love again. I use to be so happy! Without a care in the world! When I was in foster care my mom bought me a book that was the lyrics to the song I hope you dance. "I don't Dance anymore" just in my lil room and even than I call it a work out. 

Written Aug. 6th, 2011

The nightmares don't stop... Every single one about this house!!! This time a tornado hit it and my front yard blew into everyone else yard. I noticed because I looked out my front window and noticed the things folded next to my front door where everywhere. When i went back inside it grew spider webs inside... I ran out. First I cried falling on my knees. I tried to help With my poker face. I look in my garage and saw my uncles car! Just untouched! Perfect! Before I fell asleep I thought of kicking Santos in the balls then jacking his car keys. Before walking away tell him that's what you get for leaving a girl with a child without a car!! Thoughts of hate always give me bad dreams!! Even in the dream I asked myself how could I get out of this. Then I woke up and I'm still in this house. When you hate reality. This is what happens your dreams tell you everything! That your unwilling to realize on your own. That is a God thought! The happy moment of the dream was being in a stadium walking down to the middle sitting and reading the cardboard box and children playing! I was being baby sat along with the other children just like in a Sunday school. I looked at the empty seats. Not wishing for anyone. Just at peace! Regular me! Lily wasn't there but I knew she was safe! I didn't recognize the faces watching me. But Idc!!! He put me there! Idk if he listened! Peace and contentment is great gain!   

I sleep much better cuddling lily instead of the cat! 

When you are putting a puzzle together. You first look at the picture for an example. Then you look at the edges. Sometimes. I like to start with a color or object. Then don't just look at the pieces but the details in the piece. The shape and the color and shades. How else will the puzzle fall together? How else will you finish it! You have to have hope for an end of the thing! You have to otherwise when you are lead astray you will fall and never get back up. My hope was once lost. But I found it in my dreams. In a seed sown so deep I didn't know what or how to explain until some else watched me and I saw what he did. I called him nata but he opened my eyes. I say he is the dj that saved my life. He named the book himself. But he was not the dj I feel in love with.

So in my book his name will be Dr. Voodoo! (lol) Central Valley will one day buy the book and I'll say it was inspired by the movie Lady in the Water! By Le Crozz! So I got the plot. Outline and characters. The trick is printing it all shorting out the bs and selling the idea! Freaking A! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Fuck my life.... I just wrote another one and I love the happy ending of the giving trees! Hahahahahahahahaha BITCHS AND MY ♪───Ｏ（≧∇≦）Ｏ────♪

It's funny how everyone tried to help me to not repeat my past. They really did think I was crying wolf when I said I was threw... I should have said over and out.. And Roger Roger Roger!! 

Written Aug. 4th, 2011

"get your hands outta the cookie jar" 


The story never ends because life never does... Even when you try to take your own, unwillingly. It is in the blood! It's where all the secrets are hide and the truth is revealed. I love truth I know it's because it's something inside of me that has grown for 3 1/2 years and now is! I didn't see it before because I was unwilling to except the truth. But the truth is. Like I told..... (for me to know and you to keep guessing)

Idk if he's moved on. Idk if he'd still even want to be my friend. Idk if we even have anything in common anymore. All I know is the last dream I had he was the hot guy! He always has been. Even in Arizona! Even today I said the words I love you and started crying because Idk if I'll even get the chance to say it to his face!

I know who I share my child with and I know who she will never meet! I know all these things because I am a mother and will do anything to protect her! When I felt threatened that my place in her life was being taken over because Gilbert neighbors child asked if I was lily's step mom!! Then the old woman told him to shut up!!!

Their lucky I was strong enough to keep the child and give birth to her! It was just me and my grams going to the dr apt.'s.

(I'm not trying to be rude... Just brutally honest) if you can't handle the truth than get out the way. Me and lily are a package take it or leave it)

Written Aug. 3rd, 2011

running Errands


When I look at my instillation I don't see the holes I see something I love. 

When I drink my hate comes out... I poured the drink and threw the gag... 

Tries to sell the shit he wasted his money on... Haha... Call the repo man!!  

Justinbeaver hair.... For the love of music with out the gear! 

Happiest moment in my life!! Sitting in lectures of Truth from the men of my church!! 

Written Aug 2nd, 2011

When truth is sitting right in front of you and you don't see it... What do you say? "Holy Shit" lol! (keeper) 


A fashion history lesson!! 

You know the dress fits perfectly when you just popped the seam you just sewed. Next step zipper! Not doing that again. Need manican so I can turn it around and work the whole thing from top to bottom. Otherwise I try to finish one part neglecting the rest! Fml! 

I laid out the back of the dress and it looked like butterfly wings... So that is what I'm making... I'm an ameature seamsters but I know how to make a damn amgaing costume! 

Just sitting in my dress makes me feel beautiful... Oh this dress is gonna be drop dead gorgeous! It's coming together so well! 


Ps. I love me!! Who is me? Steph. From the San J. Central Valley! Not L. A. Not Pixely. I have grown up all over the valley. Shared a lil bit of me (my life) with everyone. That's cuz when I wasn't looking my room mates would read my journals. I constantly would try to run away. But my tattoos would give me away. I died and then came back. For a reason still unknown to me. But it is not about me but for the Glory that is in me. A light that will shine so bright on Sunday night. A red glow. In a blue dress on a floor with no shoes! Idc where just as long as I'm thinking of him and smiling. Wishing he was my dj... Again! 

You know how you base a turkey for thanks giving I'm basting the hell out of my dress! 

Past and present combined

Written July 27, 2011
A battle I no longer have to fight. A war that is been taken out of my hands! A life that has been saved and justice will be served. Instead of taking it into my own hands. I get to make up for all the time I've missed her first steps (arizona Feb 2008) and her first bump on her head (Dec 2008) I looked at the old apt yesterday. Where I held her and she felt her first rain drops. A memory I wish I had a picture of! But I can only write about it now so I never forget! 


Today I once again saw the people I was once neighbors with at the time I was thinking of this very moment in my life! I looked at them and was not rude!! I remembered their names.... The memory written above was when all of my neighbors were asleep. It was just me and my lil me!!! (Peace be with you) is what I wanted to say but it's not Christmas time! If only the things I wrote were a lie!

Written July 26th, 2011

PAPER TRAILS..... Are worst than pictures!! I don't leave her alone for a second. While she takes a bath, I enjoy just watching her play with her toys! My mom bought me a new journal! It's so pretty! She has already given me so much!

I'm about to get the life I've dreamed of! Peace... Love... Joy....  I looked at her room and thought of what I would want as a child. She can never sleep with out a night light. So I am going to make Christmas light nettings into stars above her bed with the other lights spell her whole name! She will love living here! there will be the day of her begging to come home cuz she loves it here! I will wait till then! That will be the day of my greatest accomplishment! I constantly feel lost with out her! To have to share her is the worst idea in the World!

My family grew from hard work and long hours in the fields! I told everyone the truth if they asked or not! It caused physical pain if I didn't! And that's why they thought I was bipolar like my mother! But the truth is nothing to be ashamed of! It's what has given me back my life. To where even when I have my nightmares of reality.... I still look forward to the end of those 24 hours! Just to start the new day! With my child and her hello kitten! And I can handle my dreams.. It reminds me that I haven't fallen from God but that he is with me. Last night was the prove I needed... And the reason I have a testimony of going from Darkness into Light! That little voice of her's is so precious like a stone with out price! This Child was not given to Gilbert's family. There was no death in his family where a life needed to be replaced! Her middle name is Jennifer for Juanita Padilla Mendoza!

Written July 24h, 2011

While I walked home the other day..... I was looking at the ground and saw so many Sparkles. It was like a lil paved road of black and gems. I'm using all the excuses everyone is giving me to stay home and finally clean my house. It smells like an old peoples home and my body is wasting away. I've given up my idea of fun to be not only a good mom but a great one! Everyone likes to think I'm just like my mom!I'm to young and beautiful to not see the WORLD!

Written July 23, 2011

A different form of art.... Is how I express myself! 

Written July 20th, 2011

I can't shake the feeling that I ate a snake... Idk why or why the thought is so scary. But the stupid bruise on my hip. Uuuhhhhh I'm not sleeping outside anymore without a tent! 

Written July 10, 201

If you have peace in Life it is from God! We learn ourselves!! We are looking for something that's real! We are looking for the kingdom! 

Written July 8th, 2011

To give it all away is what got me in this mess. To never say goodbye is the hardest. To be the kindest gentlest person and be treated so mean. To have the judgement come down and never be able to laugh or play! I love my world and those in it. I love my life and I need you... Each and every day!!! To see the faces and hear the thought. To be all alone to look at that room and always pray..... To not see a beautiful face when I look in the mirror. To not love yourself because you need someone else to love you. Just giving up and never following through. I only told Santos how he always runs when things get hard. But it was because I made them so easy. When I love..... I love you from your head down to your toes!!!!!! I'm a princess and I rule my life with a cold heart. Kinda like Queen Elizabeth! 

Written July 3rd

When you held me. I began to feel! My leg against yours, I felt my nerves and muscles begin to grow! The emotions of all of this is just a roller coaster! I have let strangers into my house! I have given away my money and time to thieves and robbers! Pain is Good it reminds your still alive! I tried to play it safe but I pulled all the wrong moves. So, I lost my fun life but I did gain all the attention. Some good some bad. I got my home, my lily and my health and all the time I need to be a mom. 

Written May 28, 2011

Love is complicated... Not easy or even worth it sometimes! But when you have found someone to spend the rest of your life with does it matter if they are your husband? Nope! They are more then just a ring on your finger! They are in your heart and that is where they will always stay! That is how God planned it when he put the world in our heart. I like using my phone better because I type fast! It keeps up with my thoughts! It is our will that keeps us from seeing the truth! The simplicity of Christ is loving him like a child! The purest undefiled form of love! He set the example! When we can trust him like a child trusting their parent then everything else will fall into place! Man I love writing! It's the easiest way to let go! It's like talking to God! And then you see the thought in written form just like the bible. It's God's written thoughts to us. They are life and peace to us ward! I think my new journal will say dear Pa! Cuz in all my hopes, is that he is there and not repeating a parable here on Earth! Living another life to learn what he didn't in the last! He taught me so well and it only took 11 years of watching him! I miss the moon! Well I always watched the woman he choose to spend the rest of his life with! Such a beautiful teacher! I'm so happy i look like her! I remember the last thought he had... He was scared! He didn't know if he had done enough! Didn't know where he'd go! Well I trust God knew his heart and put him where he belonged! I believe when I die I will be with my Father. If I can have peace in the carnal mind and know I am what God says I am, then what more could I ask for! I am Patience, Honesty and Miss. Montero! I will make Raul proud and be loud like my mother taught me! My life will be the example to my child and to others! I am a stone.. Who likes to get stoned! Lol! I will not be a stumbling block! I will have roots deep in the Earth like a tree and not move no matter how strong the wind blows! My words will strengthen my brethren and have a conscience to God ward! Life and death is in the power of the lips! And if I fall.... I GOT THE BEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD..... Reveal2 Church! They have taught me 3 1/2 years the greatest book in the world! It's funny how it's been a listening school! My eyes are blind but like tim said... You don't use these eyes to see the kingdom of God! Heaven is about out thoughts. So look up a word that God has given you

Written April 3rd, 2011

BE STRONG FEAR NOT 

ISA35:1-be strong and fear not, you will have perfect peace for those who keep your mind on God, we walk by faith (rom10:17), he changed the truth into a lie with one word, when God talks to us we receive faith, or we can walk by fear and it is our choice, rooms1:17-liberty, freedom, healed. 1john4:17- Gods love for us is so greater then any fear we can have. Perfect love=understanding how much God loves you, a fear can be so subtle, wolf in Sheeps clothing, isa35:4 the fear speaks in the very depth of our heart, isa35:4 just take the thought God has given you think on the new bread, God comes to talk to you and your afraid, we begin to look at us and who we are (our sin) we will be afraid, so look at God, read Job. Fear will come back and deceive you. Listen to God and there will be no fear, ISA 35:4-8 God will save you, when we hear the word of the Lord why do we not abide in them? God is faithful to those who are faithful to him. Elijah and the woman who took care of him. She was commanded by the Lord. 1kings17:  2tim3:1 2cor11 know this in the last Perlish times should come, be faithful in all things, 1tim4:11, 1kings17:1-
If God loves me why do I care if you don't like me. The word of thy mouth is truth!
I was deceived but didn't understand how until I took time to myself and finally wasn't a pleaser of men!

Taking Advice

I love to write, it's what I have done ever since I was in elementary school. I may not spell well or have proper grammar, I just have a certain style! I would sit in my room every summer and read poems! One book I remember the most was chicken noodle soup for the teen age soul! I just finished watching home alone part one and two! It made me laugh so hard I turned into a giggle pisser!

This summer has been about learning how I am! I have grown up so much, but as usual I was the last one to figure it out! Yes, I am weird and very different from any normal child. I guess that is how it is when you believe to have taught yourself. I look at my little me and think wow... She's growing up so fast! Then my parents (all 4 of them) look at me and say the same thing! I once thought running away was the solution, but all I really need was a break! Sshhhhzzzz everybody else had a summer vacation! Why couldn't I? From the real world?

People like to think I'm withdrawing... No I'm painting and writing poems and taking care of lily! Being a stay at home mom, something i havent done before... Boring yes!! But boy boy do I love it!!

Drama free baby mama is what I call it!!!