I wish I was never there.... A simple choice to stay home would have saved me

Dust off butterfliy's wing

If you thunk about it from my point of view. If I didn't begin to breathe all that would have been left of me is those videos. The ironic thing about the shoes I wore with my harvest dress...... I also wore with a white dress when I baptized Lily on October 26, 2008.

There is a saying becareful what you wish for. Even my prom dress was a little black dress was a little black dress. If you look closely I wore the same type of shoe. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be in my shoes. I set standards pretty high.

In my eyes I deserve a porshe speedster, Just like the one James dean had. He also died at the age of 24. In "the hall" i saw A movie called East of Eden, never knowing the star was James Dean. Yes, it made a huge impression on me. A very damn good movie dispite where I first saw it.

After I Sit back and anlasy the situation of just a few hours ago, I've come to the conclusion of what made me freak out and beg to move from such a horrific place. It was the image of my own blood betraying me. A sight I never thought I would have to undure since I had already dreamed about it. I think to myself, "my family loves me, they don't want to hurt me." it's what any child would want to think. Yes, it's what I want to say, but actions speak so much louder than words. So, for all of those that also were a witness to my betrayal please be a little patience with me while I recover from another heart breaking truth, I've come so far and feel like I've been pushed ten steps back.

Crozzz Dressing Without a PassPort

What me and Marrissa keeps running threw my mind. Especially when I sat at the table of Brians house and something was said about being lead into the wilderness.... "to die" was my response.. and nata said something else. I dont remember what he said! I have to ask him.

Adorablation to the guy who took my to Great America Adventure Park!!! 

I had a dream of walking down walnut to the front facing parking lot to the old gottchalks..... It was nata in front! I said hi but looked above him at the speakers. He was packing everything up and leaving!! I didn't need to say goodbye, I had already done that! 
It was like club rush day at cos but I didn't go to that either. 

Other plans of my own had to be completed before I would walk on any campus! Like touring and dragging my uncle around checking out campuses. Or him pointing in some direction and say "Go" 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm? 

I made no promise for him to wish on this year.... Or complaints. 

Weaves Vs Wigs 

It was after St Patricks day that Gilbert had given me a disease that I feared wouldn't allow me to have any more children. To have to live with that guilt. It was Charrissa that pulled me aside and asked if I had been checked. She even gave me the idea of just asking around. I didn't have to. I already knew who my partner was. I knew who to blame. I had only had sex with two guys. The question was who had given it to him? Chain reaction! 

When I looked in my living room and heard.... Where's Betty picking up Gilbert from... Which baby mama!!! Damn! 

Turtle was right. A man doesn't change until he meets the right girl. Now, I'm the bitch..... Mamamamamamamamhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Why were so called "friends" trying to keep secrets? Cuz they were indulging in unbelief and regret! Maybe cuz I looked better in the close that they bought at the stores. 

Didn't think I could handle the drama or hurt..... No no you just didn't know how to handle me!!! So, came the Great Western Divide to live! 

Fuck Yeah!!! Some else eat my leftovers, and make sure the June bug doesn't bite you!!!

As I was walking up the hill, I felt as a child. Even when I looked in the mirror, I looked like one! That feeling of security and comfort driving in the van. Learning that I don't need to be in a class room to actually teach or learn. It all depends on those you have around you. Just call her a little me. It's because I've always dreamed of having a lil sister or best friend. Some one always there. My prayer was answered! She is the only person that makes me smile. She is the only reason I live. I hate her father but I will always love her. And to make sure he never forgets what he lost I will unwillingly share her! She is a spitting image of me. That's the greatest part! All the women in his life will never take the place of Lily, his first born! 

To bad he got the wrong name tattooed across his chest with my favorite color. Ouch! 

It reminds me of his mom having angle on her boobs. 

Happy UnBirthday

I'm 24years 6months and 7days old! Tonight I recreated my birthday.... Still having the brains to walk away with my head on straight from stupid people who have nothing better to do then stare at computer screens!!! If I had one it wouldn't need a web camera.... I'm a one man show, that does not need to be seen just heard! In every walk of life there are the just and the Ruthless!!!
I had a life before I let a boy almost ruin it! You can hear it when I talk because I do know what certain terms mean. No one ever knew because I had given up on that dream, until Now. No one knew what happened on my 15th birthday because as a family we stopped talking about it, Out of respect the school helped cover it up! Please Leave Me Alone!!! You don't Deserve any more of what life I have to offer! I don't know why I have to make such a request? To me it seems silly! But idk what else to do to help everyone understand unless I spell it to as prove.... Take me seriously when I say something!!!
To my Cousins: do you remember the year I sat in the back room and hand made a Christmas ornament for Grandma'ma?!? You said "get out of the stone age" today I thought of all of you when those words came out of my mouth, or the year I walked in wearing a civil-war dress? Or last year when the picture was posted of me as a rainbow skittles!!!

I have not wrote about you because I wouldn't know what to say or how to say it without being rude! Maybe that's why I didn't go to the family party's?!?

To: Do you remember the school year I walked into laying next to someone else? Do you remember how you looked at me and said "I know Steph, you were doing good" at the time I loved walking over the coffee table and smacking a girl around. When I had the flash back of doing it again last night!!! I loved that more, even enjoyed thinking how with time karma gave you the same image.

To the minor G I met last night, "how did it feel to stand and try to rub L'bows with a real G?

Now to the people I give my utmost regards (save the best for last) those beat up wind instruments are worthy of a bigger stage and a real theater! Just like the year I went to a C.O.S. Theater to hear the last performance!

Girls Vs. A Woman

Creating alternative endings 

Its always the same ending when I wake up from a nightmare. Just to continue another. Waking up seeing shadows..... Believing they are familiar figures. Replaying the end of the world, until I come to the point when I see a face. I no longer run from it but I do hate every minute that is spent in front of it. No words can be arranged together of how I do regret every year that passed by and I replayed that role of being his. There Is no good memory I can think of when my life was a nightmare. That is why I try to replace these ugly memories with good ones!!! But my dreams remind me of a past I can not escape. Thankfully I have her to keep me going. 

It's a very ugly thing but everyone has been through something similar. 

I wonder what the girl at the grocery store was trying to point out, when I said "I wasn't looking" the respons was "that's what they said at gold diggers..."

Was she directing the comment towards the guy in line, or me?!? 

Jealousy is ugly no matter who's mouth it comes out of. Gossip is never worth the time people spend doing it!!! 

"what took you so long," was the question I was asked when I got back in the car. Instead of taking it out on her.... I hold it all in, until my dreams remind me. 

To the ones in my future: I didn't have a reason to change my ways until I stopped looking in all the wrong places and let you find me. 

Going for the finish line despite the tackles

I don't think I'm penniless... I think I just wasted my money on others... I say I'm a mean machine... But that's cuz you can't read my heart only who you think I'm talking about! I got something in more than my bone marrow. A soul and love for something that I had to realize was a art. Only excepting in certain genres. I'm the best at both worlds. Give me a role to play... I'll give it 100%!!! 

Because of technology, I have been seen in every living room! Now heard with a voice with more than a moan. Learning to protect those who I love the most by name changing!!! Associating with a in good crowd. "underdogs with more brain's than body's" hard core 49er fans!!! I think fast... My mom type's faster.... Life in the fast lane but I thought car pool just seemed more Eco... Friendly!!! 

I wonder what else they have been keeping from me? 

My mind can drift into oblivion sometimes. Eventually I come back to earth... 

I remember watching Earth 2... A very old tv show! Si-fi especially late night is awesome!! 

I think about my Pa more than ever. It always happens around our favorite holiday!! The more I focus on him it becomes clear why so many tried to help me. He was a great man!! He saved lives. I'm a home wrecker, Oh geezzz!! I write down every little thing I can about him so I don't forget!!! Katrina and Michael were the one's who wrote down his memory's while he went to treatment. I couldn't help being so young when he died!! 


Saw the picture today I was thinking of when I wrote this tribute remix right about his son..... Love you!!! More

Due Dates

So the money I was planning on spending on my lily is gone. I think that's why there is such an anger inside me. I seriously spent all day painting the bathroom in hopes when the sun went down today to buy the rest of the paint and make new and repair what once was broken! Now I have to clean my mess and wait till next month to finish what I started! Today was my time limit, has turned into next month! 

I remember when I lived on court St and finally kicked Gilbert out. It was before I watched him fuck another girl in front of me. I was living on welfare and didn't have a reason to go out or party! I stayed home and did nothing. Just like I do now!!! Even though this time I have been a lot more productive and honest. It was one day while I was walking down Main St. I had just gone to the bank and realized I had extra spending money!! I walked into sugar plums and bought myself something!! I don't remember what it was, but I remember the sun shining so bright and that feeling of accomplishment!! I was able to save my money because I didn't have anyone to spend it on! That's the way this month was suppose to go. I knew when my bills were due, I knew what I had to get done around my house and I knew my budget!! The problem is all the strings that are attached when you rely on your income coming from someone else and some one emptying my account because they think they know best!!! If people would take the time to ask..... They would know!

What I didn't tell you about devil eggs....

The biggest learning experience today was working with my mom in my kitchen. It wasn't hers so she didn't know where things were and it took more time to explain it instead of just grabbing it and handing it to her!! She was about to boil over a few times because to her I made a mistake!! Since I'm her daughter we fight like cats and dogs!! What she doesn't know is that my biggest test is having patience with her! Last night in the car she was trying to tell me how some medicine was working great for her blah blah blah some dr. Told her to try it!!! I was like yeah sure I'm so happy for you!! Hell no I'm not taking any drugs unless it's well.... In a form of yummy smelling weed! Ill see one for broken bones and my eyes and to clean my teeth but a broken heart is something only time will heal!  If I can have patience with my mom and try to work with her just cooking a meal than I know I can work with others and listen to their ideas before jumping to conclusions!