A sense of Longevity!!

Cardiac Arrest 

I do find it interesting that I haven't written piece on Loyalty. Since, it is something I obliviously believe in. I practice it on a daily basis. I use to have my song of the day and word of the day. Why is it that something I believe in that would be so easy for me to make a point about, I haven't done it? Huh? It would be an easy subject. A person self adsorbed is only loyal to people who are similar. Seasons greeting from Never Land. In my world of nonsense and contradictions everything is out of order, it's how I didn't plan it. That is just how it turns out. Today's plan was to ask and see if a childhood dream is possible.... Creating and collaboration is a combining of the senses! No, it's not coincidence that it is the first page of the book I'm making for Lily. It is the hardest book to even think about because I also started it in July not knowing how to finish it. Choices are easy to make.... Sticking to them was the hard part. Finding a dream to follow was easy, doing it..... Oh geeeezzze. When a dream comes true it doesn't matter how long it takes to come true, it only matters that it did. I wonder who's enjoying this more, Me or you? 

Solitare is the game that comes installed on every new computer

Will you be my Study Buddy? Self proclaimed self maintained. 

I'm still here.... I will never leave.... I will be here.... Knowing your with me!! 

You don't realize what you have until it's gone! 

Why is the show army wives keep coming to my mind like I'm suppose to watch it?!? 

I thought of the last time I saw staci at Arby's with her brother Dylan!! It was right next to the recuiting station for the army!! Why are these memory making me lose control... I lay in bed and I cant hold it in... 

Why why why why!! GILBERT!! To have and to hold in sickness and in health. To honor and Cherish until Death do you part. I've already died alone once, because of all the lies...."you lose customers when your not straight forward with them" Yes, Religion is a form of business. 

When I saw the picture of Vivianna holding a baby in her arms standing next to you, "live a happily ever after without me in the picture if that is what you advertise; that is what you get!" Yes, I saw all the post leading up to and after my birthday. Knowing the ones that were most recent were just my battle tactic put to use!!! "copy and pasted straight from my iPhone." Lily wanted to see the cat at your house. I mean she ditched you for angry birds once already. I guess you didn't get the hint! 

"Santos hits hard than you." truth hurts!! Oh well, when a Life is built on lies that is how it ends!!!!  

Damn it Santos.... It shouldn't have to be this way. I shouldn't have to grow balls big enough to call you. It's like every stupid car I see I'm like is that the mop? It looks like it, I hate this. All these stupid games despite all of it, you said you could go months with out having some one... Just chill'n with your family. Well, for fuck sake thats all I've been doing and I still don't even get a glimps of you. Well except when I saw you painted the 4runner white with spray paint!!! Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

I seriously hate you right now... We should be going to the mountains taking Lily and Gabriel. Just like we did last October when we went to the oaks perserve. You suck!!! 

If anybody teaches Lily to fight I will tell her talk to her Dad. He thinkings he is a ninja... But the only person he ever fought with was me! And half the time was always in front of her. It didn't matter where it was! He'd drink and end up hitting me just like the night I danced with Santos. Gilbert loved walking up to me and slapping my ass while I danced!!! Lolie was the one who took the pictures of us dancing. Until I saw them I hadn't even noticed how close we were. I miss the feeling of bliss, just like the night we danced in Madera. Before Santos stood up to Gilbert while he gave us a ride home in the same Tahoe. I was snickering to myself! "wow this guy is sticking up for me and he doesn't even know what I had just been through" when I asked for his phone to break up with Gilbert.... That was when I threw up my peace sign!!!  

I had got the strength to walk away! 

The day I lost Santos was the day Peter came over to check on me and Gilbert was sitting on the couch. I lied to Peter wishing Gilbert had never been there! When I saw him and his chipmunck cheeks I held myself together as much as I could before my heart burst!! Ever since then it's been heart ache! Now I'm home.... And I still think of the little good times we had. 

The day I wrote the poem on facebook about a dream come true I woke up gasping for breath, I couldn't believe what I had saw! But I did believe it because of who I was sleeping next to. It was Gilbert and Lily but in the poem I put my child. There are some things I like to keep to myself. I hate Gilbert because I know I'll never get over the pain he has caused, I just live with it! I know I can move on but I also know the minute I get extremely mad. I'll end up calling who ever I am mad at, Gilbert. That is the root of my hate. It's the image I have given it. It's also why I hate myself. I know there is nothing I can do to change it "i'm completely powerless!" It was what I saw in the dream of my testimony of light! Him playing with Lily and me hating it! "i thought this is what you wanted?" I went inside my house and shut the door! The next dream was with Santos, him trying to help me get away from the nightmare of repeating my past! But, I still woke up to the reality of me having to share Lily with a man that I had wasted so much time on. I didn't want to anymore! I sat in the shower and my mom asking me if Gilbert was the hole in my heart To sing to me and hold me! I told her "no he is the one that hurt me." Just like I told Rick Rush, "no problem" when he asked if I could let Gilbert Go I wiped the dust off my shoulders because I knew I was going to replace him with the thought of Santos, no matter how long it took! Just a single thought.

When you put two dominant males into one room..... There is usually only one winner! When you pair a woman to a man... The woman will always make sure she is right, even when she is wrong!!! It's best to find a way for the woman to do what she would want done for her. 

I remember the story you told me about how Ryan Got Lolie back. Well, I just did my version in a blog. My imagination can take me to the ends of the Earth but I only want one best friend. Santos you piss me off to the point I'm about to move on! If I did all this in vain..... I'll not only hate you but allowed you to make a fool of me. I want a person who is on their career path, I'm on mine! Whatever you choose I will support your choice..... Just let me be apart of it! 

Douche Bag you were suppose to be different from the rest! Did I seriously have to do all of this?!? No, I didn't..... But, to me you are worth it.

Fortune Cookie says "If you care enough for a result you will most certainly attain it."

Why do bad things happened to Good people?

So what's your type? 
That is the usual question a dating service will ask. Basically asking you to stereotype a person that you have never met or looked into their eyes. Fear of being told no or rejected is sometimes what keeps a person from doing what they want most. Well, if you didn't have that fear you would not be human. When I finally did ask for a second chance, I knew that there was no middle ground or maybe. Grey is the color of two complete opposites mixed together, just like pink! If I ever find something that says different, well that person is poorly edumecated. Why would a dating service want to match you with someone who is like you and has common ground? That doesn't make life interesting, it makes it normal and mature! I'm way to young to be thinking that way, my reading level is lower than a 5th grader! I give my highest regard to Andre 3000 for writing every song in that musical he did with his fellow band member in OutKast! "Hey Yeah."
The one flaw I do admit to having is lack of detail. I often forget my life is a book read by all, and where I write from is the heart. It's hard to describe where exactly that point of view sees from and what it sees. Is it from my eyes that are just like yours in that is sees images and shapes of color to form a human. Or is it from my fingers that touch and feel everything? I do not know, I haven't thought about it. 

Cinematic

When you have a child later in life you have to make sure you live longer. 
A life is not worth loving unless you have someone to share it with. Just having the ability to turn your cheek and whisper in their ear, Or see the sparkle in their eye!!! It can take your breathe away..... It does to me every single Time!!!

The lies my teacher told me

WHO''S THIS GILBERT CHARACTER? 

Just like when we sat infront of the mediator and I was willing to share Lily. The mistake you made over night was not telling my child I was there to be responsible for her, Ouch talk about bad not being able to work together. 

I'm going to spend $100's of dollars attaining copies of all those horrible nights you hit me. Along with the police reports and court dates. Taking all my memories and make a best seller. See you will never live down what you did, guilt is a horrible thing!!! 

A memory of my grandfather sitting in his lazy boy recliner reading murder mysteries and Stephen King.... Is a treasured memory of mine. To bad he will not read it. But his brother will, and that's good enough for me. 

Living and dieing next to someone else making money off what you choose. 

Teachers write books for their classrooms constantly. Like math books from math teachers, and English books from literature Scholars. Well, mine is gonna be like "A Messing Thrilling Life" facebook quotes and all. 

I've wrote love stories and fantasy, Time for a change. My last semester at C.O.S. should prepare me for reaching that goal, and never looking back! "If I don't try than I can never say I gave my all to make something of myself."

Bingo, No Bonco, "who's telling the story, Me or you?" 

"that girl dropped her phone by accident, you weren't there." 

No, but I let you in my house. What was the ratio of girls to men when we sat around my kitchen table playing cards? Miguel was here that night. Did anybody tell him what was the plan of taking my alcohol the day after? 

"you still have the vodka bottle at your house right?" 

That was when I found my oranges missing! Didn't I always say thank you when the deutd was repaid? 
 
A fear set into her eyes of what I could do to her because I had the phone records of that night. This habit of always having paper copies of my bill sent straight to my house. Well, now you know why they said "I'll call you." 

To make sure my story was told with no lie, I started just posting the main words of my tall tales. Letting the guilty be reminded of the life they played with and almost destroyed, to bad none stayed in school long enough to become a Dr. I had to make a public account of the words written and my memories were correct. Incase I ever lost my phone again. There was a source. 
A back up plan. "so what's plan B" yes to others that were involved it seem repetitive. Well, when a person writes it doesn't come together all at once. Outlines if you accept that term are what is posted! You don't get paid while you are writting. That's silly. It's not until the book is published and sold that you make money. "who would want a book poorly written?" be privileged you got to see it before I print it and start again. Just to finish it! Then the applications will be sent to "not putting my eggs into one basket" 

My cousin wants to be a writer.      "no shit I am one" 

After I finish C.O.S. will be just in time to have good enough grades to leave and take her with me. I don't do things half ass, especially when it's something I want more than anything. 

And I know more than a few of you will miss me. But that's ok, it just means I know you will never forget me.... And you care just as much as I do and love San J. Valley!!!  

It was Staci who went to save mart with me... Yeah Santos birth year is my pin number. At applebees it was Santoscruz name that log into my iTunes account. becAuse it was him who had helped me get my life in order before he left me to get his in order. 

"thank you nata for the food coma" I knew then but didn't say anything!!! 

The movie critics on that tmc station use to say "a hour and half of my life wasted unable to get it back"

I will never get back the time I lost but I don't waste it any longer with the wrong people. It's gonna be 4 months, since I set this whole damn thing in motion!!! Damn non-believers. 

Testing my Patience... Biggest mistake people could make!! I actually write lyrics when I listen to just the notes!! I play air pianos. I drown out the voice and make my own! I'll start tearing up my journals and making my book, Book of Eli will have nothing on it!! 

A Scarlet Letter

I remember when I read that book. The main character had a beautiful little girl, I could relate to that character the most. Her life was tragic, suspensful and a classic.


When I write and feel the paper cuts on my hand.... It's my Reminder, my dream is about to come true! 

I sometimes fear I give to much of myself away in my writing. But I don't know any writer who hasn't given themselves completely to their work and not been recognized as Brilliant! 

"if It doesn't make you feel there is no point to put it on paper" 

It baffles me that a house could give me nightmares. Just thinking about what I saw last night. You were scared and I felt pity for you. My bed in the same place under the window was the place I stood before closing my eyes to finally be at peace. I don't know how to escape these flash backs!!! Idk how else to face these fears except embrace them as a part of me. The one thing I constantly forget to tell myself is I love me!! I love you Stephanie. "my dreams gave me closure I couldn't attain in real life." If I had a phone that night Santos would have been the only person I would have called just to reassure me that everything was gonna be okay. A thought replaced, memories that will never be forgiven. Even God hated!!! 

One added rule is if you left me once, how do you expect for me to trust you, again. Crazy is doing the same thing wanting a different result. If I drive you crazy that is your problem not mine. 

So, I say I love Santos Cruz but why was it that I did?? Well because he offered me what I wish Gilbert had; A job, a car and he was good to lily! The exact same thing I could have had with Gilbert and nothing more! A family! That is what this is about. I miss having Gilbert because we were a family!  I'm tired of hating and loving him because of the empty promises!! 

When you walked threw my house and didn't understand what was written on the walls.... None had the balls to ask me what it all meant!  Self- expression.... My family should have never gave me walls to paint!!! 

I sat in my living room.... Hoping to create a back drop worthy of the one who gave me a real reason to love my self! A friend who stuck around, one who saw things from my view and left me where I belonged!!! "Get inside it's raining." I couldn't write a thank you that would express my gratitude!!! Even thinking about it..... Idk where I would start! Lolie your pie graphs were wonderful and humors, you know why? Cuz you were the only girl out of bunch of boys, ironically so Am I! 

Feeling and looking like a Star!!-- a new word not in the dictionary!  
"StephanieLily" 

Lennon, Pooh Bear Slut, my party hoppers!!! Peace be with you! *･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Cold Turkey

When this is posted call it Cold Turkey.... That's how I did it, wasn't it? 

A completely True Story

It was Gilbert who cooked heroin but never did the time for his crime because charges where never pressed. His friends/neighbors covered for him! When he lived on Court St. And the cross St was Myrtle "that's why a guilty conscience signs up to do jail time." He respected me by making sure I wasn't the guinea pig for what came out of the kitchen. "I have to do pills to fuck a guy like that" were the words that came out of Staci's mouth when she told me about fucking "Drew" two years ago. See, girls forget what they say when they are telling a lie.... Except the one that heard it! 

When I worked in the mall, What you didn't know, is that I have been called by the military for years. (As a source of entertainment) guys would come by and be like "wanna do a show?" Boys do stupid things and pay ridiculous amounts for a little tail in their face. It wasn't hard to trace my old phone records!!! Paper trails, fuck wow! The URL's is how uploads and downloads are traceable. It's sad when it's from one source. Can't somebody come up with something better? Does me in the flesh look better than what is imagined on your screen?!? 

The other side to my work was the exchanging of money. I completely saw Noman give Travis product in exchange to buy Staci a pack of smokes. When she asked me for some I completely knew the drill and nicely told her to get lost. 

On break outside..... "the talk" were sell pitches!!! Every single look and syllable was like nails on a chalk board. "me and Gilbert talked last night." my response was "Really what did he say about me?" I thought a reminder in your coffin of who had let you over dose was a nice token of my blessing to "go to hell!"

The drive to a motel in the green van was the set up! "Thank you" were the words I read off a Phone in a message sent from Travis. It's so silly to think that my whole plan was to sit down all of these people across from Cindy and Nata allowing the mix up to happen..... "who could keep their story straight?" would have been the challenge. Oh, well maybe people should stay out of my way and stop thinking they can help. I do my own dirty work, "with a look of unbelief" Aka OMG! 

"when you meet your maker let me know" because when I met mine he told me a secret...."ride the crazy train" 

When I slept inside a Building with faces trying to help me believe I was crazy, I asked for one person to be my advocate. His name is Pastor Brian, the reason I asked for him was because I knew that I had sat in his living room trying to obey his teachings ever since that day in October I dedicated Lily to the church. "they sent me mother instead" 

"I'm looking for a father" was what I said when I sat in front of the coin table. After that I sat next to Betty, then of course I had my usual appointment with Brian. 
All of the people I had trusted called me names innumerable times! 

The so called Gypsy's in Fresno, were only doing what a Dr. would have done by Keeping my body alive because my Heart was broken! Rashes were popping up all over because they didn't know what med.'s I was allergic to. "where did this come from?" was a question I asked often to the person who had given it to me. 

"A person won't stay unless you given them a good reason to"

I remember a story that was once told of what Pastor Brian did before he changed his lifestyle. Well, let's just say "I'm the reason men make drugs." 

Jem has to read to Mrs. Dubose for a month, everyday for 2 hours. (pg.106) 

Pg.111 "Mrs. Dubose was a morphine addict and was trying to get off it before she died. And she did." 

- In the candy Box there was a white, waxy, perfect camellia. It was a snow-on-the-mountain. 

"I was gonna be Staci's date to her mom's wedding" was the last straw. "but I was in Oregon" that I heard off my IPhone. I live in the same house that brought an end to Romeo and Juliet.

I was dropped off here when I asked Nata "Why are you crying?" he just wiped away the tears.... Knowing the practical joke had gone to far. When I last talked to him I asked for his full name. "to you I will always be King of the dance" 

Thank you because I don't know what you did or said (I don't think you do either) "that gave me a reason to write my wrongs and Live" 

When my Pa died, I stood next to my family and didn't cry. Why would I cry at someone else's? 

"Stephanie come here and get a new profile picture." 

A mission Statement: fuck it I wrote the book