You see this graduation party is invite only!!! Completely hand made and distributed. Working hands are rough and scared.... Each finger able to come together and move.
When we went to see Adrianna graduate, I remember sitting across the table and her annoyed look of having family dinner. All she wanted to do was run off with her friends and party. At Santiago's he gave Pa his letter-man jacket. The only one he saw of mine was Kindergarden.
I named my baby a flower!!!! I can't remember a Halloween that he wasn't home to help set up the decoration, He made it so fun. I remember the Christmas I got to open one of my presents early. He told me it was a book. When it really was a new game for my 64. He didn't die being known as a good man, but a great one.
"I LOVE THE SMELL OF FRESH CUT GRASS" R.B.M.
The last dream I had of him was in their room on 919 E. Ellsworth, we sat on the bed and just laughed!!!! I woke up running to me grams telling her I saw him. It was the year it snowed, coincidence.... I think not! We all wrote and played in that muddy slush as a VALLEY________________Massive Fever _____________________
TOGETHER AS ONE!
We are a family of small businesses.... Mine just didn't like the one I entered. So, unknowingly to them I changed careers, Living a penniless exit.
The only thought I could say crossed their mind was "she's gonna travel by stripping"
No.... Silly your gonna give me the money and let me think I earned it, Duh!!!
A Visual Arts Engineer said "sounds like you've been hurt" that is the only question I will admit to with a, "yes"
Thank God I wasn't the one who died from an over dose, I just drowned in my own river.
Do you remember the conversation when I stood next to you at the YMCA and you looked into the face of the man who called the police when your daughter did? Did you thank him? No, I took him home and took care of him until......... he ruined the day I shared with a hero of my life!!!!!!
P.S. did you like the scarf hope it keeps you warm, it bought the same year I turned 23.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
? And A
The last thought I had before I went under the sea "This is great" I was floating and I was around people who had earned my trust!
I had this idea of getting the ones I knew where playing me seated across the ones who had started this ultimate game of cat and mouse. The trap was set with me sitting Indian style across a table of coins about to be deposited into some form of commercial product.
My ride home was watching the puppet walk around and misplace the plastic gadgets. It was silly to think I was going to stop being bragged about. "Did you make it to work on time?" was the most frequent question I had to answer in a "yes" or "no" format. The only question I had control over was if I got the next job or not. So, I would not see it from my view but as the employeer, "What would they want to see different in a person." The ugly and horrific side of my love pay back..... Or the truth?
When I sat next to a pool and tried to explain what had been done to me by the ones who I saw and regarded more highly than my blood, "I thought you were doing good in those sells."
No, the person you sent to give me hope was a source of continues nightmares!!!! Even to this day, "I pray I never allow someone in my house who has a haunting past."
I did try to give room for an apology on both ends but some peole have to much pride!!! When I sat across my elder on Mothers day, I knew more than I could handle! I cried until I made a promise to never reveal my secrets to another soul, "taking it to my grave."
But, than this revolution came to me, "I will never die"
Just as I saw Colten remembering him and believing in dreams do come true..... Stephanie as a person will live in the next "Lily" The only problem is not knowing when it is her time to leave you. I was sent to love and comfort and watch her grow..... "there is no greater love for a child than the one who would give their all."
My Hero, left me with a huge resosibilty of figuring out how to become her Hero!!! So, I got plans for a very wonderful future. It's a choice if you follow me and help me down this path?
When nothing to hold me back!!! Who will be my partner in crime??
I had this idea of getting the ones I knew where playing me seated across the ones who had started this ultimate game of cat and mouse. The trap was set with me sitting Indian style across a table of coins about to be deposited into some form of commercial product.
My ride home was watching the puppet walk around and misplace the plastic gadgets. It was silly to think I was going to stop being bragged about. "Did you make it to work on time?" was the most frequent question I had to answer in a "yes" or "no" format. The only question I had control over was if I got the next job or not. So, I would not see it from my view but as the employeer, "What would they want to see different in a person." The ugly and horrific side of my love pay back..... Or the truth?
When I sat next to a pool and tried to explain what had been done to me by the ones who I saw and regarded more highly than my blood, "I thought you were doing good in those sells."
No, the person you sent to give me hope was a source of continues nightmares!!!! Even to this day, "I pray I never allow someone in my house who has a haunting past."
I did try to give room for an apology on both ends but some peole have to much pride!!! When I sat across my elder on Mothers day, I knew more than I could handle! I cried until I made a promise to never reveal my secrets to another soul, "taking it to my grave."
But, than this revolution came to me, "I will never die"
Just as I saw Colten remembering him and believing in dreams do come true..... Stephanie as a person will live in the next "Lily" The only problem is not knowing when it is her time to leave you. I was sent to love and comfort and watch her grow..... "there is no greater love for a child than the one who would give their all."
My Hero, left me with a huge resosibilty of figuring out how to become her Hero!!! So, I got plans for a very wonderful future. It's a choice if you follow me and help me down this path?
When nothing to hold me back!!! Who will be my partner in crime??
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Something Real
So, there was this guy that I use to go to school with, his name was Colten Moore. If I remember correctly he is my age. We walked down the same hall ways and sat in front of the same teachers. There was even a day I ran into him at the Visa... Mall! If he had a child, what would the baby been? How would he have choosen to raise his own? Where would they go trick or treating? A person with such potential and only a child himself when just one slip of the tounge took his breath away!!! Life is only the safe when you think ahead and plan for the best expecting the worste!!!!
It is hard to tell some one "Don't tell me to get a Life just because you are no longer apart of it." I made a choice to not get stuck in the passenger seat of your car and end up in the family cemetary where my child could only hear good stories of how I choose to support her. I have received the luxury of telling my version and for that reason alone, I am so very thankful. I'm no longer the crowd pleaser, or the side kick! I'm in love with the idea of growing old with someone worthy of my time!!! One who comforts me and loves me for who I am and what I will become _____________!
If there is ever someone out there up to the challenge.... I will let you into my life one day at a time!!!
It is hard to tell some one "Don't tell me to get a Life just because you are no longer apart of it." I made a choice to not get stuck in the passenger seat of your car and end up in the family cemetary where my child could only hear good stories of how I choose to support her. I have received the luxury of telling my version and for that reason alone, I am so very thankful. I'm no longer the crowd pleaser, or the side kick! I'm in love with the idea of growing old with someone worthy of my time!!! One who comforts me and loves me for who I am and what I will become _____________!
If there is ever someone out there up to the challenge.... I will let you into my life one day at a time!!!
Monday, October 17, 2011
"Have you ever thought of it this way, Alexandra?" Whether Maycomb knows it or not we're paying the highest tribute we can pay a man. By trusting him to do right"
A quote from a book named in this era of time, To Kill A Mocking Bird. It has been on my mind ever since the last time I listened to Rick Rush at Church. There are so many Variables in what people consider as right. Just as a prayer, to some a good one is short and to the point. Others describe in detail their wishes unable to make them come true. Just Imagine how someone writes a last testament "A will". Each one is different but always thinking of those that come follow after. Why listen to the ones before, when Life experiences is what truely teaches a child that fire hurts when you get to close.
"well all I can say is, when you and Jem are grown, maybe you'll look back on this with some compassion and some feeling that I didn't let you down"...... My dear sweet Lily of the Valley. We have done more than just fly to the moon, we are all over the world!!!!
A quote from a book named in this era of time, To Kill A Mocking Bird. It has been on my mind ever since the last time I listened to Rick Rush at Church. There are so many Variables in what people consider as right. Just as a prayer, to some a good one is short and to the point. Others describe in detail their wishes unable to make them come true. Just Imagine how someone writes a last testament "A will". Each one is different but always thinking of those that come follow after. Why listen to the ones before, when Life experiences is what truely teaches a child that fire hurts when you get to close.
"well all I can say is, when you and Jem are grown, maybe you'll look back on this with some compassion and some feeling that I didn't let you down"...... My dear sweet Lily of the Valley. We have done more than just fly to the moon, we are all over the world!!!!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
K'nights @ the Round table No Not Square
Before the day ends I would love to tell my Parents. Yes the ones in my phone named Mommy and Dad! Your day of a new life together was on this day many years ago. I remember the dresses and the running around for such a special occasion! You have watched me grow and will always be the first on my emergency call list!! "yeah mom, why didn't you pick up the phone last night?" I hope you have a wonderful fun exilerating evening!!! Life in the car pool lane would not be possible until we sat at the Denny's about to enter 6 Flags. I hope to one day see those pictures of the very cool $ on top of the Red Tower. Oh yeah and I love you more!!!
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Crozzz Dressing Without a PassPort
What me and Marrissa keeps running threw my mind. Especially when I sat at the table of Brians house and something was said about being lead into the wilderness.... "to die" was my response.. and nata said something else. I dont remember what he said! I have to ask him.
Adorablation to the guy who took my to Great America Adventure Park!!!
I had a dream of walking down walnut to the front facing parking lot to the old gottchalks..... It was nata in front! I said hi but looked above him at the speakers. He was packing everything up and leaving!! I didn't need to say goodbye, I had already done that!
It was like club rush day at cos but I didn't go to that either.
Other plans of my own had to be completed before I would walk on any campus! Like touring and dragging my uncle around checking out campuses. Or him pointing in some direction and say "Go"
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?
I made no promise for him to wish on this year.... Or complaints.
Weaves Vs Wigs
It was after St Patricks day that Gilbert had given me a disease that I feared wouldn't allow me to have any more children. To have to live with that guilt. It was Charrissa that pulled me aside and asked if I had been checked. She even gave me the idea of just asking around. I didn't have to. I already knew who my partner was. I knew who to blame. I had only had sex with two guys. The question was who had given it to him? Chain reaction!
When I looked in my living room and heard.... Where's Betty picking up Gilbert from... Which baby mama!!! Damn!
Turtle was right. A man doesn't change until he meets the right girl. Now, I'm the bitch..... Mamamamamamamamhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Why were so called "friends" trying to keep secrets? Cuz they were indulging in unbelief and regret! Maybe cuz I looked better in the close that they bought at the stores.
Didn't think I could handle the drama or hurt..... No no you just didn't know how to handle me!!! So, came the Great Western Divide to live!
Fuck Yeah!!! Some else eat my leftovers, and make sure the June bug doesn't bite you!!!
As I was walking up the hill, I felt as a child. Even when I looked in the mirror, I looked like one! That feeling of security and comfort driving in the van. Learning that I don't need to be in a class room to actually teach or learn. It all depends on those you have around you. Just call her a little me. It's because I've always dreamed of having a lil sister or best friend. Some one always there. My prayer was answered! She is the only person that makes me smile. She is the only reason I live. I hate her father but I will always love her. And to make sure he never forgets what he lost I will unwillingly share her! She is a spitting image of me. That's the greatest part! All the women in his life will never take the place of Lily, his first born!
To bad he got the wrong name tattooed across his chest with my favorite color. Ouch!
It reminds me of his mom having angle on her boobs.
Adorablation to the guy who took my to Great America Adventure Park!!!
I had a dream of walking down walnut to the front facing parking lot to the old gottchalks..... It was nata in front! I said hi but looked above him at the speakers. He was packing everything up and leaving!! I didn't need to say goodbye, I had already done that!
It was like club rush day at cos but I didn't go to that either.
Other plans of my own had to be completed before I would walk on any campus! Like touring and dragging my uncle around checking out campuses. Or him pointing in some direction and say "Go"
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm?
I made no promise for him to wish on this year.... Or complaints.
Weaves Vs Wigs
It was after St Patricks day that Gilbert had given me a disease that I feared wouldn't allow me to have any more children. To have to live with that guilt. It was Charrissa that pulled me aside and asked if I had been checked. She even gave me the idea of just asking around. I didn't have to. I already knew who my partner was. I knew who to blame. I had only had sex with two guys. The question was who had given it to him? Chain reaction!
When I looked in my living room and heard.... Where's Betty picking up Gilbert from... Which baby mama!!! Damn!
Turtle was right. A man doesn't change until he meets the right girl. Now, I'm the bitch..... Mamamamamamamamhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Why were so called "friends" trying to keep secrets? Cuz they were indulging in unbelief and regret! Maybe cuz I looked better in the close that they bought at the stores.
Didn't think I could handle the drama or hurt..... No no you just didn't know how to handle me!!! So, came the Great Western Divide to live!
Fuck Yeah!!! Some else eat my leftovers, and make sure the June bug doesn't bite you!!!
As I was walking up the hill, I felt as a child. Even when I looked in the mirror, I looked like one! That feeling of security and comfort driving in the van. Learning that I don't need to be in a class room to actually teach or learn. It all depends on those you have around you. Just call her a little me. It's because I've always dreamed of having a lil sister or best friend. Some one always there. My prayer was answered! She is the only person that makes me smile. She is the only reason I live. I hate her father but I will always love her. And to make sure he never forgets what he lost I will unwillingly share her! She is a spitting image of me. That's the greatest part! All the women in his life will never take the place of Lily, his first born!
To bad he got the wrong name tattooed across his chest with my favorite color. Ouch!
It reminds me of his mom having angle on her boobs.
A fine line of Do's and Dont's in business
I have this memory of sitting in my spare bedroom with Cassidy (maryjane) and Gilbert. I think we were smoking a bowl. I looked down at the ground and found a used condom! Cassidy's eyes look at Gilbert and had that giggle look like oops. I look at Gilbert and he has that look in his eye of pure shock and (omg)!! He thinks I didn't know. But even when I came home one night from porterville. I come in and find Cassidy asleep on the couch and Gilbert on the recliner.... He starts yelling at me and hitting me. But I didn't have the strength to stand up to him and her. Cuz I knew I had just walked in on them having sex! It was two against one! I wouldn't have won the fight!!! So I took the beatings and put up with the lies! Now that I don't and I'm not going back to it!! People wonder why!! I have battered woman disease!!! Not only cuz I read it in a book but the symptoms and pain deep down in my heart! I told Gilbert he broke my spirit... That sad part is how true that statement was, its not until now did I realize it!!
I feel like Kratos from God of war because I know I can ask for forgiveness, but these memories will never go away.
So, many stories of love and hate. I had forgiven the ones that had hurt me even without them asking for it.... Because they did not know what they did wrong, it wasn't their fault. They really only had half the story.
I was the one calling and putting Gilbert in jail time and time again. But, to hide the truth while there was still a chance before I sobered up and relived these moments no one can believe!
While, my generation was beginning to move on with their futures I was left to my own devices trying to figure out where it went overboard. What was inside me that I didn't let out? How long had I been lied to? It came down to the second week of school..... It hasn't take long for me to figure it out, Thank goodness I have a habit of writing things down before I forgot! I will no longer hide what has made me stronger because it didn't fucking kill me!
Aug. 18 2011 do you remember that date?
I feel like Kratos from God of war because I know I can ask for forgiveness, but these memories will never go away.
So, many stories of love and hate. I had forgiven the ones that had hurt me even without them asking for it.... Because they did not know what they did wrong, it wasn't their fault. They really only had half the story.
I was the one calling and putting Gilbert in jail time and time again. But, to hide the truth while there was still a chance before I sobered up and relived these moments no one can believe!
While, my generation was beginning to move on with their futures I was left to my own devices trying to figure out where it went overboard. What was inside me that I didn't let out? How long had I been lied to? It came down to the second week of school..... It hasn't take long for me to figure it out, Thank goodness I have a habit of writing things down before I forgot! I will no longer hide what has made me stronger because it didn't fucking kill me!
Aug. 18 2011 do you remember that date?
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