My favorite jail broken theme

So Happy I could Die

This morning I gave my love ones a memory they will always remember, in front of a house built only by my family. So, if and when it is sold they can have the ability to look and say "do you remember the year StephanieLily gave the stars to us?" I would like to think it was a live performance worthy of a standing applause. I heard it as their hearts raced and listened to who is from the last of the first born in the Mendoza Family. Some traditions are priceless and meant to be shared. It's the joy of recreating life stories from  old memories and make them new. Honesty doesn't set you free it makes it, all the way to the top. 

A once upon a, While ago I was giving demonstrations in the Visalia Mall I kept using this catch phrase "read the message on the sticker." Yes, it's water proof. Yes, it'll bring your body to harmony. I didn't read it from a script, I just opened my mouth and started talking. Icons, neutrons blah blah blah, here in exchange for selling my thoughts give me money! Well, I took that same business strategy to a more worthy opponent. In the profile pic of my Emerald dream addition I tagged my hand with a heart and a star. With one word in the middle, First Corinthians 13:4- Charity suffereth (patience is long suffering) and is kind: Charity envieth not: Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil. Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in truth. Beareth all things, believeth all things hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never, faith but whether there be prophecies they shall fail: whether there be knowledge it shall vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man I put away childish things (a thing is a parable) For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face: now I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith hope charity these three but the greatest of these is charity. 


Well, I don't know if any of this is going to make sense to you but this is what I feel about us. 


Label: Con-tracks and conductors 

Safe a Livers

So I thought... Yes a troublesome past time. Came up with some rules... Decided it's time to write some more:Party Rules for invitations to my cookie dough bake sale.

#1- video must be PG.
#2- must be age regulated. Old vs. New folks! If you think your young then you are.
#3- head of household must come up with a plot for the rest of the family members to act in. (example: Lily is Little Mermaid, I'm wicked witch)

My readers I have been in your hearts, review mirrors and flat screens. This is not just a month to celebrate Christ birth but the Mrs. Montero who I answer to. I don't want to make it special in one day, I kinda would like the 12 day to Christmas effect. My blue women crew of 2012 is where I got the idea. Mercy hates pictures on Facebook so I'll spare her from posting the visual. She's pretty old school, does hand written Christmas cards. I was about to do the same thing to ask for hilarious videos from families my family has become apart of. On New Years day I plan on getting my family together to watch the DvD's you send in. Via UTubelink (missverymarykay@gmail.com) As time flys don't forget the reason why Humanity exsist.... Happy Mother's Day Remix!!!

"Blank Page" Amanda D.

Revolving doors with a Shotgun as the Bell

I use to hear "there is safety in counsel." I think "why would I feel safe in counsel of people." don't people always let you down? I'm the only person who can get me what I want. I found it strange how thanksgiving Betty said "she's tried filing for a restraining order." hhhhmmmm!! There was only one person that took me to the court house. "we deal with her grandma." is another dropped line that I heard that day. No, I don't trust anyone, it's not because of what is said its from what isn't said. Behind closed doors over phones and in the other room. I will always love my family but "yes there is always a but" I trust no one. I'm not paranoid or think they are trying to keep me and Lily apart, it's just my conscience! It becomes louder when there are things out of place. Why would my family support a man I wish was dead?!? There is something not being said..... I am honest with them giving them that respect why is it not returned? Lies always come out in the end, "people only hide when there is a reason or something to hide." Even fake name's and I.D.'s 

When I do something I love I do it for free. It's something about having a crime of Passion. In the movie "My sisters Keeper" the actor with connection to law-in-forcement did what he did for free because of what he believed!!! "God is no respecter of Persons" What makes us equal is the commonality we are all going to die. The only way to live on is reproductive organs!!! 

Will I have another child?!? That is something idk. Only my future does. 

Sofa Art

I have this plan of doing what I love and actually getting paid for it. Hhhhmmmm I'll see how it turns out. It's a shame to put a price tag on what I believe to be priceless, but we all have to face reality sometime.

A sense of Longevity!!

Cardiac Arrest 

I do find it interesting that I haven't written piece on Loyalty. Since, it is something I obliviously believe in. I practice it on a daily basis. I use to have my song of the day and word of the day. Why is it that something I believe in that would be so easy for me to make a point about, I haven't done it? Huh? It would be an easy subject. A person self adsorbed is only loyal to people who are similar. Seasons greeting from Never Land. In my world of nonsense and contradictions everything is out of order, it's how I didn't plan it. That is just how it turns out. Today's plan was to ask and see if a childhood dream is possible.... Creating and collaboration is a combining of the senses! No, it's not coincidence that it is the first page of the book I'm making for Lily. It is the hardest book to even think about because I also started it in July not knowing how to finish it. Choices are easy to make.... Sticking to them was the hard part. Finding a dream to follow was easy, doing it..... Oh geeeezzze. When a dream comes true it doesn't matter how long it takes to come true, it only matters that it did. I wonder who's enjoying this more, Me or you? 

Solitare is the game that comes installed on every new computer

Will you be my Study Buddy? Self proclaimed self maintained. 

I'm still here.... I will never leave.... I will be here.... Knowing your with me!! 

You don't realize what you have until it's gone! 

Why is the show army wives keep coming to my mind like I'm suppose to watch it?!? 

I thought of the last time I saw staci at Arby's with her brother Dylan!! It was right next to the recuiting station for the army!! Why are these memory making me lose control... I lay in bed and I cant hold it in... 

Why why why why!! GILBERT!! To have and to hold in sickness and in health. To honor and Cherish until Death do you part. I've already died alone once, because of all the lies...."you lose customers when your not straight forward with them" Yes, Religion is a form of business. 

When I saw the picture of Vivianna holding a baby in her arms standing next to you, "live a happily ever after without me in the picture if that is what you advertise; that is what you get!" Yes, I saw all the post leading up to and after my birthday. Knowing the ones that were most recent were just my battle tactic put to use!!! "copy and pasted straight from my iPhone." Lily wanted to see the cat at your house. I mean she ditched you for angry birds once already. I guess you didn't get the hint! 

"Santos hits hard than you." truth hurts!! Oh well, when a Life is built on lies that is how it ends!!!!  

Damn it Santos.... It shouldn't have to be this way. I shouldn't have to grow balls big enough to call you. It's like every stupid car I see I'm like is that the mop? It looks like it, I hate this. All these stupid games despite all of it, you said you could go months with out having some one... Just chill'n with your family. Well, for fuck sake thats all I've been doing and I still don't even get a glimps of you. Well except when I saw you painted the 4runner white with spray paint!!! Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

I seriously hate you right now... We should be going to the mountains taking Lily and Gabriel. Just like we did last October when we went to the oaks perserve. You suck!!! 

If anybody teaches Lily to fight I will tell her talk to her Dad. He thinkings he is a ninja... But the only person he ever fought with was me! And half the time was always in front of her. It didn't matter where it was! He'd drink and end up hitting me just like the night I danced with Santos. Gilbert loved walking up to me and slapping my ass while I danced!!! Lolie was the one who took the pictures of us dancing. Until I saw them I hadn't even noticed how close we were. I miss the feeling of bliss, just like the night we danced in Madera. Before Santos stood up to Gilbert while he gave us a ride home in the same Tahoe. I was snickering to myself! "wow this guy is sticking up for me and he doesn't even know what I had just been through" when I asked for his phone to break up with Gilbert.... That was when I threw up my peace sign!!!  

I had got the strength to walk away! 

The day I lost Santos was the day Peter came over to check on me and Gilbert was sitting on the couch. I lied to Peter wishing Gilbert had never been there! When I saw him and his chipmunck cheeks I held myself together as much as I could before my heart burst!! Ever since then it's been heart ache! Now I'm home.... And I still think of the little good times we had. 

The day I wrote the poem on facebook about a dream come true I woke up gasping for breath, I couldn't believe what I had saw! But I did believe it because of who I was sleeping next to. It was Gilbert and Lily but in the poem I put my child. There are some things I like to keep to myself. I hate Gilbert because I know I'll never get over the pain he has caused, I just live with it! I know I can move on but I also know the minute I get extremely mad. I'll end up calling who ever I am mad at, Gilbert. That is the root of my hate. It's the image I have given it. It's also why I hate myself. I know there is nothing I can do to change it "i'm completely powerless!" It was what I saw in the dream of my testimony of light! Him playing with Lily and me hating it! "i thought this is what you wanted?" I went inside my house and shut the door! The next dream was with Santos, him trying to help me get away from the nightmare of repeating my past! But, I still woke up to the reality of me having to share Lily with a man that I had wasted so much time on. I didn't want to anymore! I sat in the shower and my mom asking me if Gilbert was the hole in my heart To sing to me and hold me! I told her "no he is the one that hurt me." Just like I told Rick Rush, "no problem" when he asked if I could let Gilbert Go I wiped the dust off my shoulders because I knew I was going to replace him with the thought of Santos, no matter how long it took! Just a single thought.

When you put two dominant males into one room..... There is usually only one winner! When you pair a woman to a man... The woman will always make sure she is right, even when she is wrong!!! It's best to find a way for the woman to do what she would want done for her. 

I remember the story you told me about how Ryan Got Lolie back. Well, I just did my version in a blog. My imagination can take me to the ends of the Earth but I only want one best friend. Santos you piss me off to the point I'm about to move on! If I did all this in vain..... I'll not only hate you but allowed you to make a fool of me. I want a person who is on their career path, I'm on mine! Whatever you choose I will support your choice..... Just let me be apart of it! 

Douche Bag you were suppose to be different from the rest! Did I seriously have to do all of this?!? No, I didn't..... But, to me you are worth it.

Fortune Cookie says "If you care enough for a result you will most certainly attain it."

Why do bad things happened to Good people?

So what's your type? 
That is the usual question a dating service will ask. Basically asking you to stereotype a person that you have never met or looked into their eyes. Fear of being told no or rejected is sometimes what keeps a person from doing what they want most. Well, if you didn't have that fear you would not be human. When I finally did ask for a second chance, I knew that there was no middle ground or maybe. Grey is the color of two complete opposites mixed together, just like pink! If I ever find something that says different, well that person is poorly edumecated. Why would a dating service want to match you with someone who is like you and has common ground? That doesn't make life interesting, it makes it normal and mature! I'm way to young to be thinking that way, my reading level is lower than a 5th grader! I give my highest regard to Andre 3000 for writing every song in that musical he did with his fellow band member in OutKast! "Hey Yeah."
The one flaw I do admit to having is lack of detail. I often forget my life is a book read by all, and where I write from is the heart. It's hard to describe where exactly that point of view sees from and what it sees. Is it from my eyes that are just like yours in that is sees images and shapes of color to form a human. Or is it from my fingers that touch and feel everything? I do not know, I haven't thought about it. 

Cinematic

When you have a child later in life you have to make sure you live longer. 
A life is not worth loving unless you have someone to share it with. Just having the ability to turn your cheek and whisper in their ear, Or see the sparkle in their eye!!! It can take your breathe away..... It does to me every single Time!!!

The lies my teacher told me

WHO''S THIS GILBERT CHARACTER? 

Just like when we sat infront of the mediator and I was willing to share Lily. The mistake you made over night was not telling my child I was there to be responsible for her, Ouch talk about bad not being able to work together. 

I'm going to spend $100's of dollars attaining copies of all those horrible nights you hit me. Along with the police reports and court dates. Taking all my memories and make a best seller. See you will never live down what you did, guilt is a horrible thing!!! 

A memory of my grandfather sitting in his lazy boy recliner reading murder mysteries and Stephen King.... Is a treasured memory of mine. To bad he will not read it. But his brother will, and that's good enough for me. 

Living and dieing next to someone else making money off what you choose. 

Teachers write books for their classrooms constantly. Like math books from math teachers, and English books from literature Scholars. Well, mine is gonna be like "A Messing Thrilling Life" facebook quotes and all. 

I've wrote love stories and fantasy, Time for a change. My last semester at C.O.S. should prepare me for reaching that goal, and never looking back! "If I don't try than I can never say I gave my all to make something of myself."

Bingo, No Bonco, "who's telling the story, Me or you?" 

"that girl dropped her phone by accident, you weren't there." 

No, but I let you in my house. What was the ratio of girls to men when we sat around my kitchen table playing cards? Miguel was here that night. Did anybody tell him what was the plan of taking my alcohol the day after? 

"you still have the vodka bottle at your house right?" 

That was when I found my oranges missing! Didn't I always say thank you when the deutd was repaid? 
 
A fear set into her eyes of what I could do to her because I had the phone records of that night. This habit of always having paper copies of my bill sent straight to my house. Well, now you know why they said "I'll call you." 

To make sure my story was told with no lie, I started just posting the main words of my tall tales. Letting the guilty be reminded of the life they played with and almost destroyed, to bad none stayed in school long enough to become a Dr. I had to make a public account of the words written and my memories were correct. Incase I ever lost my phone again. There was a source. 
A back up plan. "so what's plan B" yes to others that were involved it seem repetitive. Well, when a person writes it doesn't come together all at once. Outlines if you accept that term are what is posted! You don't get paid while you are writting. That's silly. It's not until the book is published and sold that you make money. "who would want a book poorly written?" be privileged you got to see it before I print it and start again. Just to finish it! Then the applications will be sent to "not putting my eggs into one basket" 

My cousin wants to be a writer.      "no shit I am one" 

After I finish C.O.S. will be just in time to have good enough grades to leave and take her with me. I don't do things half ass, especially when it's something I want more than anything. 

And I know more than a few of you will miss me. But that's ok, it just means I know you will never forget me.... And you care just as much as I do and love San J. Valley!!!  

It was Staci who went to save mart with me... Yeah Santos birth year is my pin number. At applebees it was Santoscruz name that log into my iTunes account. becAuse it was him who had helped me get my life in order before he left me to get his in order. 

"thank you nata for the food coma" I knew then but didn't say anything!!! 

The movie critics on that tmc station use to say "a hour and half of my life wasted unable to get it back"

I will never get back the time I lost but I don't waste it any longer with the wrong people. It's gonna be 4 months, since I set this whole damn thing in motion!!! Damn non-believers. 

Testing my Patience... Biggest mistake people could make!! I actually write lyrics when I listen to just the notes!! I play air pianos. I drown out the voice and make my own! I'll start tearing up my journals and making my book, Book of Eli will have nothing on it!! 

A Scarlet Letter

I remember when I read that book. The main character had a beautiful little girl, I could relate to that character the most. Her life was tragic, suspensful and a classic.


When I write and feel the paper cuts on my hand.... It's my Reminder, my dream is about to come true! 

I sometimes fear I give to much of myself away in my writing. But I don't know any writer who hasn't given themselves completely to their work and not been recognized as Brilliant! 

"if It doesn't make you feel there is no point to put it on paper" 

It baffles me that a house could give me nightmares. Just thinking about what I saw last night. You were scared and I felt pity for you. My bed in the same place under the window was the place I stood before closing my eyes to finally be at peace. I don't know how to escape these flash backs!!! Idk how else to face these fears except embrace them as a part of me. The one thing I constantly forget to tell myself is I love me!! I love you Stephanie. "my dreams gave me closure I couldn't attain in real life." If I had a phone that night Santos would have been the only person I would have called just to reassure me that everything was gonna be okay. A thought replaced, memories that will never be forgiven. Even God hated!!! 

One added rule is if you left me once, how do you expect for me to trust you, again. Crazy is doing the same thing wanting a different result. If I drive you crazy that is your problem not mine. 

So, I say I love Santos Cruz but why was it that I did?? Well because he offered me what I wish Gilbert had; A job, a car and he was good to lily! The exact same thing I could have had with Gilbert and nothing more! A family! That is what this is about. I miss having Gilbert because we were a family!  I'm tired of hating and loving him because of the empty promises!! 

When you walked threw my house and didn't understand what was written on the walls.... None had the balls to ask me what it all meant!  Self- expression.... My family should have never gave me walls to paint!!! 

I sat in my living room.... Hoping to create a back drop worthy of the one who gave me a real reason to love my self! A friend who stuck around, one who saw things from my view and left me where I belonged!!! "Get inside it's raining." I couldn't write a thank you that would express my gratitude!!! Even thinking about it..... Idk where I would start! Lolie your pie graphs were wonderful and humors, you know why? Cuz you were the only girl out of bunch of boys, ironically so Am I! 

Feeling and looking like a Star!!-- a new word not in the dictionary!  
"StephanieLily" 

Lennon, Pooh Bear Slut, my party hoppers!!! Peace be with you! *･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

Cold Turkey

When this is posted call it Cold Turkey.... That's how I did it, wasn't it? 

A completely True Story

It was Gilbert who cooked heroin but never did the time for his crime because charges where never pressed. His friends/neighbors covered for him! When he lived on Court St. And the cross St was Myrtle "that's why a guilty conscience signs up to do jail time." He respected me by making sure I wasn't the guinea pig for what came out of the kitchen. "I have to do pills to fuck a guy like that" were the words that came out of Staci's mouth when she told me about fucking "Drew" two years ago. See, girls forget what they say when they are telling a lie.... Except the one that heard it! 

When I worked in the mall, What you didn't know, is that I have been called by the military for years. (As a source of entertainment) guys would come by and be like "wanna do a show?" Boys do stupid things and pay ridiculous amounts for a little tail in their face. It wasn't hard to trace my old phone records!!! Paper trails, fuck wow! The URL's is how uploads and downloads are traceable. It's sad when it's from one source. Can't somebody come up with something better? Does me in the flesh look better than what is imagined on your screen?!? 

The other side to my work was the exchanging of money. I completely saw Noman give Travis product in exchange to buy Staci a pack of smokes. When she asked me for some I completely knew the drill and nicely told her to get lost. 

On break outside..... "the talk" were sell pitches!!! Every single look and syllable was like nails on a chalk board. "me and Gilbert talked last night." my response was "Really what did he say about me?" I thought a reminder in your coffin of who had let you over dose was a nice token of my blessing to "go to hell!"

The drive to a motel in the green van was the set up! "Thank you" were the words I read off a Phone in a message sent from Travis. It's so silly to think that my whole plan was to sit down all of these people across from Cindy and Nata allowing the mix up to happen..... "who could keep their story straight?" would have been the challenge. Oh, well maybe people should stay out of my way and stop thinking they can help. I do my own dirty work, "with a look of unbelief" Aka OMG! 

"when you meet your maker let me know" because when I met mine he told me a secret...."ride the crazy train" 

When I slept inside a Building with faces trying to help me believe I was crazy, I asked for one person to be my advocate. His name is Pastor Brian, the reason I asked for him was because I knew that I had sat in his living room trying to obey his teachings ever since that day in October I dedicated Lily to the church. "they sent me mother instead" 

"I'm looking for a father" was what I said when I sat in front of the coin table. After that I sat next to Betty, then of course I had my usual appointment with Brian. 
All of the people I had trusted called me names innumerable times! 

The so called Gypsy's in Fresno, were only doing what a Dr. would have done by Keeping my body alive because my Heart was broken! Rashes were popping up all over because they didn't know what med.'s I was allergic to. "where did this come from?" was a question I asked often to the person who had given it to me. 

"A person won't stay unless you given them a good reason to"

I remember a story that was once told of what Pastor Brian did before he changed his lifestyle. Well, let's just say "I'm the reason men make drugs." 

Jem has to read to Mrs. Dubose for a month, everyday for 2 hours. (pg.106) 

Pg.111 "Mrs. Dubose was a morphine addict and was trying to get off it before she died. And she did." 

- In the candy Box there was a white, waxy, perfect camellia. It was a snow-on-the-mountain. 

"I was gonna be Staci's date to her mom's wedding" was the last straw. "but I was in Oregon" that I heard off my IPhone. I live in the same house that brought an end to Romeo and Juliet.

I was dropped off here when I asked Nata "Why are you crying?" he just wiped away the tears.... Knowing the practical joke had gone to far. When I last talked to him I asked for his full name. "to you I will always be King of the dance" 

Thank you because I don't know what you did or said (I don't think you do either) "that gave me a reason to write my wrongs and Live" 

When my Pa died, I stood next to my family and didn't cry. Why would I cry at someone else's? 

"Stephanie come here and get a new profile picture." 

A mission Statement: fuck it I wrote the book

There is no Cure for Pink Eye

You see this graduation party is invite only!!! Completely hand made and distributed. Working hands are rough and scared.... Each finger able to come together and move.

When we went to see Adrianna graduate, I remember sitting across the table and her annoyed look of having family dinner. All she wanted to do was run off with her friends and party. At Santiago's he gave Pa his letter-man jacket. The only one he saw of mine was Kindergarden.

I named my baby a flower!!!! I can't remember a Halloween that he wasn't home to help set up the decoration, He made it so fun. I remember the Christmas I got to open one of my presents early. He told me it was a book. When it really was a new game for my 64. He didn't die being known as a good man, but a great one.

"I LOVE THE SMELL OF FRESH CUT GRASS" R.B.M.

The last dream I had of him was in their room on 919 E. Ellsworth, we sat on the bed and just laughed!!!! I woke up running to me grams telling her I saw him. It was the year it snowed, coincidence.... I think not! We all wrote and played in that muddy slush as a VALLEY________________Massive Fever _____________________
 TOGETHER AS ONE!

We are a family of small businesses.... Mine just didn't like the one I entered. So, unknowingly to them I changed careers, Living a penniless exit.

The only thought I could say crossed their mind was "she's gonna travel by stripping"

No.... Silly your gonna give me the money and let me think I earned it, Duh!!!

A Visual Arts Engineer said "sounds like you've been hurt"  that is the only question I will admit to with a, "yes"

Thank God I wasn't the one who died from an over dose, I just drowned in my own river.

Do you remember the conversation when I stood next to you at the YMCA and you looked into the face of the man who called the police when your daughter did? Did you thank him? No, I took him home and took care of him until......... he ruined the day I shared with a hero of my life!!!!!!

P.S. did you like the scarf hope it keeps you warm, it bought the same year I turned 23.

? And A

The last thought I had before I went under the sea "This is great" I was floating and I was around people who had earned my trust!

I had this idea of getting the ones I knew where playing me seated across the ones who had started this ultimate game of cat and mouse. The trap was set with me sitting Indian style across a table of coins about to be deposited into some form of commercial product.

My ride home was watching the puppet walk around and misplace the plastic gadgets. It was silly to think I was going to stop being bragged about. "Did you make it to work on time?" was the most frequent question I had to answer in a "yes" or "no" format. The only question I had control over was if I got the next job or not. So, I would not see it from my view but as the employeer, "What would they want to see different in a person." The ugly and horrific side of my love pay back..... Or the truth?

When I sat next to a pool and tried to explain what had been done to me by the ones who I saw and regarded more highly than my blood, "I thought you were doing good in those sells."
No, the person you sent to give me hope was a source of continues nightmares!!!! Even to this day, "I pray I never allow someone in my house who has a haunting past."

I did try to give room for an apology on both ends but some peole have to much pride!!! When I sat across my elder on Mothers day, I knew more than I could handle! I cried until I made a promise to never reveal my secrets to another soul, "taking it to my grave."

But, than this revolution came to me, "I will never die"
Just as I saw Colten remembering him and believing in dreams do come true..... Stephanie as a person will live in the next "Lily" The only problem is not knowing when it is her time to leave you. I was sent to love and comfort and watch her grow..... "there is no greater love for a child than the one who would give their all."

My Hero, left me with a huge resosibilty of figuring out how to become her Hero!!! So, I got plans for a very wonderful future. It's a choice if you follow me and help me down this path? 

When nothing to hold me back!!! Who will be my partner in crime??  

Something Real

So, there was this guy that I use to go to school with, his name was Colten Moore. If I remember correctly he is my age. We walked down the same hall ways and sat in front of the same teachers. There was even a day I ran into him at the Visa... Mall! If he had a child, what would the baby been? How would he have choosen to raise his own? Where would they go trick or treating? A person with such potential and only a child himself when just one slip of the tounge took his breath away!!! Life is only the safe when you think ahead and plan for the best expecting the worste!!!!

It is hard to tell some one "Don't tell me to get a Life just because you are no longer apart of it." I made a choice to not get stuck in the passenger seat of your car and end up in the family cemetary where my child could only hear good stories of how I choose to support her. I have received the luxury of telling my version and for that reason alone, I am so very thankful. I'm no longer the crowd pleaser, or the side kick! I'm in love with the idea of growing old with someone worthy of my time!!! One who comforts me and loves me for who I am and what I will become _____________!

If there is ever someone out there up to the challenge.... I will let you into my life one day at a time!!!

"Have you ever thought of it this way, Alexandra?" Whether Maycomb knows it or not we're paying the highest tribute we can pay a man. By trusting him to do right"

A quote from a book named in this era of time, To Kill A Mocking Bird. It has been on my mind ever since the last time I listened to Rick Rush at Church. There are so many Variables in what people consider as right. Just as a prayer, to some a good one is short and to the point. Others describe in detail their wishes unable to make them come true. Just Imagine how someone writes a last testament "A will". Each one is different but always thinking of those that come follow after. Why listen to the ones before, when Life experiences is what truely teaches a child that fire hurts when you get to close.

"well all I can say is, when you and Jem are grown, maybe you'll look back on this with some compassion and some feeling that I didn't let you down"...... My dear sweet Lily of the Valley. We have done more than just fly to the moon, we are all over the world!!!!

K'nights @ the Round table No Not Square

Before the day ends I would love to tell my Parents. Yes the ones in my phone named Mommy and Dad! Your day of a new life together was on this day many years ago. I remember the dresses and the running around for such a special occasion! You have watched me grow and will always be the first on my emergency call list!! "yeah mom, why didn't you pick up the phone last night?" I hope you have a wonderful fun exilerating evening!!! Life in the car pool lane would not be possible until we sat at the Denny's about to enter 6 Flags. I hope to one day see those pictures of the very cool $ on top of the Red Tower. Oh yeah and I love you more!!!

Crozzz Dressing Without a PassPort

What me and Marrissa keeps running threw my mind. Especially when I sat at the table of Brians house and something was said about being lead into the wilderness.... "to die" was my response.. and nata said something else. I dont remember what he said! I have to ask him.

Adorablation to the guy who took my to Great America Adventure Park!!! 

I had a dream of walking down walnut to the front facing parking lot to the old gottchalks..... It was nata in front! I said hi but looked above him at the speakers. He was packing everything up and leaving!! I didn't need to say goodbye, I had already done that! 
It was like club rush day at cos but I didn't go to that either. 

Other plans of my own had to be completed before I would walk on any campus! Like touring and dragging my uncle around checking out campuses. Or him pointing in some direction and say "Go" 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm? 

I made no promise for him to wish on this year.... Or complaints. 

Weaves Vs Wigs 

It was after St Patricks day that Gilbert had given me a disease that I feared wouldn't allow me to have any more children. To have to live with that guilt. It was Charrissa that pulled me aside and asked if I had been checked. She even gave me the idea of just asking around. I didn't have to. I already knew who my partner was. I knew who to blame. I had only had sex with two guys. The question was who had given it to him? Chain reaction! 

When I looked in my living room and heard.... Where's Betty picking up Gilbert from... Which baby mama!!! Damn! 

Turtle was right. A man doesn't change until he meets the right girl. Now, I'm the bitch..... Mamamamamamamamhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Why were so called "friends" trying to keep secrets? Cuz they were indulging in unbelief and regret! Maybe cuz I looked better in the close that they bought at the stores. 

Didn't think I could handle the drama or hurt..... No no you just didn't know how to handle me!!! So, came the Great Western Divide to live! 

Fuck Yeah!!! Some else eat my leftovers, and make sure the June bug doesn't bite you!!!

As I was walking up the hill, I felt as a child. Even when I looked in the mirror, I looked like one! That feeling of security and comfort driving in the van. Learning that I don't need to be in a class room to actually teach or learn. It all depends on those you have around you. Just call her a little me. It's because I've always dreamed of having a lil sister or best friend. Some one always there. My prayer was answered! She is the only person that makes me smile. She is the only reason I live. I hate her father but I will always love her. And to make sure he never forgets what he lost I will unwillingly share her! She is a spitting image of me. That's the greatest part! All the women in his life will never take the place of Lily, his first born! 

To bad he got the wrong name tattooed across his chest with my favorite color. Ouch! 

It reminds me of his mom having angle on her boobs. 

A fine line of Do's and Dont's in business

I have this memory of sitting in my spare bedroom with Cassidy (maryjane) and Gilbert. I think we were smoking a bowl. I looked down at the ground and found a used condom! Cassidy's eyes look at Gilbert and had that giggle look like oops. I look at Gilbert and he has that look in his eye of pure shock and (omg)!! He thinks I didn't know. But even when I came home one night from porterville. I come in and find Cassidy asleep on the couch and Gilbert on the recliner.... He starts yelling at me and hitting me. But I didn't have the strength to stand up to him and her. Cuz I knew I had just walked in on them having sex! It was two against one! I wouldn't have won the fight!!! So I took the beatings and put up with the lies! Now that I don't and I'm not going back to it!! People wonder why!! I have battered woman disease!!! Not only cuz I read it in a book but the symptoms and pain deep down in my heart! I told Gilbert he broke my spirit... That sad part is how true that statement was, its not until now did I realize it!! 

I feel like Kratos from God of war because I know I can ask for forgiveness, but these memories will never go away.

So, many stories of love and hate. I had forgiven the ones that had hurt me even without them asking for it.... Because they did not know what they did wrong, it wasn't their fault. They really only had half the story.

I was the one calling and putting Gilbert in jail time and time again. But, to hide the truth while there was still a chance before I sobered up and relived these moments no one can believe!

While, my generation was beginning to move on with their futures I was left to my own devices trying to figure out where it went overboard. What was inside me that I didn't let out? How long had I been lied to? It came down to the second week of school..... It hasn't take long for me to figure it out, Thank goodness I have a habit of writing things down before I forgot! I will no longer hide what has made me stronger because it didn't fucking kill me!

Aug. 18 2011 do you remember that date?

Happy UnBirthday

I'm 24years 6months and 7days old! Tonight I recreated my birthday.... Still having the brains to walk away with my head on straight from stupid people who have nothing better to do then stare at computer screens!!! If I had one it wouldn't need a web camera.... I'm a one man show, that does not need to be seen just heard! In every walk of life there are the just and the Ruthless!!!
I had a life before I let a boy almost ruin it! You can hear it when I talk because I do know what certain terms mean. No one ever knew because I had given up on that dream, until Now. No one knew what happened on my 15th birthday because as a family we stopped talking about it, Out of respect the school helped cover it up! Please Leave Me Alone!!! You don't Deserve any more of what life I have to offer! I don't know why I have to make such a request? To me it seems silly! But idk what else to do to help everyone understand unless I spell it to as prove.... Take me seriously when I say something!!!
To my Cousins: do you remember the year I sat in the back room and hand made a Christmas ornament for Grandma'ma?!? You said "get out of the stone age" today I thought of all of you when those words came out of my mouth, or the year I walked in wearing a civil-war dress? Or last year when the picture was posted of me as a rainbow skittles!!!

I have not wrote about you because I wouldn't know what to say or how to say it without being rude! Maybe that's why I didn't go to the family party's?!?

To: Do you remember the school year I walked into laying next to someone else? Do you remember how you looked at me and said "I know Steph, you were doing good" at the time I loved walking over the coffee table and smacking a girl around. When I had the flash back of doing it again last night!!! I loved that more, even enjoyed thinking how with time karma gave you the same image.

To the minor G I met last night, "how did it feel to stand and try to rub L'bows with a real G?

Now to the people I give my utmost regards (save the best for last) those beat up wind instruments are worthy of a bigger stage and a real theater! Just like the year I went to a C.O.S. Theater to hear the last performance!

I made my house into an art gallery

Pay it forward!! 

For years I have been paid to dance.... Now I sit on the side lines and watch the new kids on the block move and grove to skills I wrote the book on. Passing it on is the most fulfillment I have received in a while. 

A svm production.... 
No flake no fake just true to myself and something not only I love but contributed to. One day I'll be more than this..... I'll be loved from people all around because they looked at my story and could relate. Even reading the growth and challenges I've over come. First, starting out simple and small. Let'm think I'm stupid, because a strategy and plan of action is what I keep secret. Man I gotta keep something for me otherwise I'll have nothing to stand on as my own.  

But I also wanted the illusion as if I was right in front of you like your my best friend and I'm telling you everything. Looking for interaction with the reader not only criticism but advice. 

All have been led down a path of there own. It is a choice! I choose to share my life with all of you asking for nothing in return but acceptance and xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxox's!!! 

I do this all for fun and being an example of the good and bad in Life! Reality tv blah!!! 

Unscripted Diary of a wimpy kid!! If this is not enough, to prove my point I will take a different approach, I can promise that much. The best mini-tv series I ever had the honor of watching was I-Cladias!

Not on the car "in" the car

Squash Banana!!!! 

I have memory of being in the blue car, and when I listened closely to Cindy, she sounded like a guy!

 In a dream while I walked threw a mall I caught some one lieing to me straight to my face!!! I called them out and stood up for myself. A man in a purple shirt that I was walking with pulled me aside and said "You remind me of Cindy. The way you handled the situation and took control. Even the way you were standing, just like she did when we were in the back behind Vinnie's and you were in the middle, Confident"  He was tall and dark, I had never seen him before but it didn't matter we were having a great time.

So, I woke up called a number listened to see if I could hear the same voice! It was not the same, but it doesn't mean what was said in my dream wasn't true!!!

In the bedroom while I lost all self control because I didn't have confidence she looked me in the eye and said, "Take all that she's got." Well Cindy I have but she has so much more experience at being a mom then I do!!! I still come up short, Thank you for the advice. 

Dear Staci

Cc: Wendy


Wendy I'm sorry I ruined and made your birthday about me!! We were at the skate and it was suppose to be a happy day!! I don't understand how you didn't just tell me! Yeah so what If I was happy! To come home at the end of the day and never be able to say goodbye!! I should have been there at the hospital! Just like I was there when my great grams died. Then there was no question! I knew she was gone! Lily said "your mom is dead" that is what you heard when you were young! Wendy I lost the only gift I ask for from the dad i never met, at the fight I got into along with the earrings! And yes I do believe you fucked Gilbert! Cuz of the story you told me about Ashley! I gave you all your stuff and haven't called you since! You are the old friend of my old life! I wanted to do it face to face when I invited you to dinner but why! It wasn't worth the drama! I showed you respect by giving you the stuff I was going to throw away! 

Yes I was hurt because I knew I was just settling for Gilbert when I asked him to marry me! And I've kept saying it over and over he went to the stupid concert and had the time of his life and I got stuck going to the bars! If only I had told you! you would have given me a wonderful party! 

And I'll say it until I'm blue in the face... I hate Gilbert!! Another person I do not call!! 

If I want to see some one well shit!! I got who I want!! A lil' me.

Girls Vs. A Woman

Creating alternative endings 

Its always the same ending when I wake up from a nightmare. Just to continue another. Waking up seeing shadows..... Believing they are familiar figures. Replaying the end of the world, until I come to the point when I see a face. I no longer run from it but I do hate every minute that is spent in front of it. No words can be arranged together of how I do regret every year that passed by and I replayed that role of being his. There Is no good memory I can think of when my life was a nightmare. That is why I try to replace these ugly memories with good ones!!! But my dreams remind me of a past I can not escape. Thankfully I have her to keep me going. 

It's a very ugly thing but everyone has been through something similar. 

I wonder what the girl at the grocery store was trying to point out, when I said "I wasn't looking" the respons was "that's what they said at gold diggers..."

Was she directing the comment towards the guy in line, or me?!? 

Jealousy is ugly no matter who's mouth it comes out of. Gossip is never worth the time people spend doing it!!! 

"what took you so long," was the question I was asked when I got back in the car. Instead of taking it out on her.... I hold it all in, until my dreams remind me. 

To the ones in my future: I didn't have a reason to change my ways until I stopped looking in all the wrong places and let you find me. 

Life with out step dad's would be boring

First Lady of the New World

WhAt was her name?

Martha Washington

What was her life like compared to now?!? 

What did she wear? 

She wore hoop skirt. 

Yeah the man got the credit but she was the first lady!!! 

History combined with the "now" people. 

The battle of Gettysburg.... Who won? 

Union

It was Paul Revere who lite the lanterns of that fatal night!!! 

Wasn't it mrs. Gilbert's class that I made the video for and shot the gun I borrowed??? Me and grams stayed up all night practicing the poem even with parts of it missing!!! 

We shot it in the living room where there was the most light. 

Another memory I hold dear to me. Unable to forget.... It's the house I dream about and think of as home. 

It was the starting point.... Like a hive of the Montero Rent to own!!! 

Hard to break old habits.... But I do learn "new" tricks!!! 


A Guy without his own to adopt another's... That is what a dysfunctional family is all about!!! Any body can call themselves a dad, But the one's that stick around are worth celebrating! Thank you for being there and putting the pieces together of the puzzle. It looks awesome!!

I had my Palms read once

I love art. I listen to booming headphones while I write about something poetic and also entertaining. My topic is about the Arena Chapel, Padua in Italy. 

The short version of the story is known for the family dedicating the chapel in hopes to be forgiven of the father's sin (greed). The focus is not be on the reason for the art just the walls themselves tell a beautiful story!  

I can relate to this because of my so called sins even in the place I call my home. I remember a time when I believed that it didn't matter what a person did as a "job" just as long as I was putting God first and took care of those I loved!! 

A childish thought of loving God maybe, Or was it I just hadn't realized my full potential as an artist?!? 

I remember a time when the natural high would hit and I called that worshiping God because I was loving what I did and wasn't doing it for anybody else's pressure except my own!!! 

When Giotto painted this magnificent chapel do you think he knew we the future generation would still be talking about his "art" 
I highly doubt it. I didn't think my life would get so out of control either!!  

I look around the valley (this so very multicultural land I love) but feel no love!!! I think of my old teachers, mentors and friends. I'm sorry you find it so hard to believe I've changed. I'm silent when you look at me because I don't know what you want to hear. I think I talk about myself enough in this blog!! Hoping one day to finish it! 

But that I also highly doubt it!!! Maybe I will find something else to  occupy my time but for now.... Suffer!!! 

Going for the finish line despite the tackles

I don't think I'm penniless... I think I just wasted my money on others... I say I'm a mean machine... But that's cuz you can't read my heart only who you think I'm talking about! I got something in more than my bone marrow. A soul and love for something that I had to realize was a art. Only excepting in certain genres. I'm the best at both worlds. Give me a role to play... I'll give it 100%!!! 

Because of technology, I have been seen in every living room! Now heard with a voice with more than a moan. Learning to protect those who I love the most by name changing!!! Associating with a in good crowd. "underdogs with more brain's than body's" hard core 49er fans!!! I think fast... My mom type's faster.... Life in the fast lane but I thought car pool just seemed more Eco... Friendly!!! 

I wonder what else they have been keeping from me? 

My mind can drift into oblivion sometimes. Eventually I come back to earth... 

I remember watching Earth 2... A very old tv show! Si-fi especially late night is awesome!! 

I think about my Pa more than ever. It always happens around our favorite holiday!! The more I focus on him it becomes clear why so many tried to help me. He was a great man!! He saved lives. I'm a home wrecker, Oh geezzz!! I write down every little thing I can about him so I don't forget!!! Katrina and Michael were the one's who wrote down his memory's while he went to treatment. I couldn't help being so young when he died!! 


Saw the picture today I was thinking of when I wrote this tribute remix right about his son..... Love you!!! More

The Riddler

Lights Out!!! 

It's not a rap it's a rythm... With no silicon in this behind... All real no fillers... Just plain Jane!! 

You don't feel the pain cuz you don't see it!!! 

Even when it's right in front of you.... I learned from the best a poker face that is not like the rest!!!

To you remember the day I laid on the couch and asked if I stopped breathing?!?! 

I was holding it in!!! Every memory every sigh all the tears I had cried.... It all came down to that last breath!!! 

A sigh of relieve, death is only the beginning to a new life!!!

An exchange.... A life for a life!!! The easy part is saying it the hard part is keeping up the lie and all the people who were involved!!! Some how protecting them from there lives becoming a part of this game!!! 

A game called life... There are winners and losers!!! It doesn't matter which one you are just as long as you keep playing!!! 

Yes when I listen to music I end up remixing it and making my own version of the song...

WallE---wood

Come as you are!! How else can you be yourself unless your wearing something comfortable!! No face paint no running around just you! And no pictures!! 

Community service is the best way to repay the damage you have done! House arrest was my own service to the community!

I made a mess in my grams house and took my time to clean it! Showing your love Is always the answer!!! It's more than just words it's taking time and wasting it correctly!!! Now I can party and say I worked for it and stayed out of trouble!! I earned it!! Lol!!  

So where am I gonna party?? And with who??? FAMILY!!! Duh!! 

I was planning on posting this the day of electric fairy tail.... But as always I chickened out!!! Just had a home party.... Cuz I think I have some more community service to do?!? It turned out I did. I even saw my old room and was so happy to have my own home!! I remember the day I asked for no more evil Spirits to enter my home... Than I made the mistake of opening it to people younger than me.... "spilt beer" oh geezzz! I wasn't ready to come out and play.... I had a lot of anger still! None really know how far I was pushed!!! None knew except those who tried to read just words and names!!

I don't know how long my vacation was, You could call it a sabbatical. Seeing what others saw, never forgetting my roots! Shame on those who exposed them without my approval! If you wanted the truths and not just words and names!!!

Those words were ment for the ones I had once loved and they lied to me saying it was mutual!!! Why do you think I burnt those letters!? The memories in my head don't leave. So, why remind me!?
Fear- without Faith... Doubled minded, maybe?!? I didn't stop believing in me I just needed time to prove it to you all!! Thank you for the borrowed time! I no longer waste it. Everyone has an asshole just like an excuse.... What's yours?!?

If you wanted emotion and reality.... Then maybe you shouldn't leave to my own delusion!!!

A muse Meant.....

I sat on the passenger side of the truck. It was my favorite color, navy blue. You were wearing a white shirt just like on the drive to the beach!!!  Bouncing along the rolling green hills. It was some ones back yard... The lay out of the property reminded me of my Auntie Terrie G. Even the house faced the same direction when we drove down the drive way. Horses where in the front yard!!! I got out of the truck to ride one. I don't remember the color. 

Next thing i figured out was who you were talking about to the neighbors. All of them walking outside in the morning to get the paper. You walked me back inside after the woman who came and talked to you gave me a look of disappointment.... She too was wearing a white shirt! 

Than the dream fades into a bathroom. It was your bathroom because the way the light came in from the window, for some reason it had the lay out of my Aunt Vicky's house. I recognized the bath tub!!! 

The last dream I had of my her house was right after my grandma'ma died... I was sitting on the bed and she told me to find her jewelry. 

You tell me to "shhh," you didn't want me to be found You didn't want me to be taken away!!! 

It was the last thing you wanted. Having to visit me in jail!!! you said you had been there..... It's a very ugly place!!! That's why I only went once.... Saying I would never come back again!!! I'm so glad I didn't, said the same thing regaurding the drunk tank.... I went because I fought over a boy.... Who had no problem getting drugs for other girls.... Never really knowing what was mine! I wonder if he watched from the upstairs window of how I lost the cross my mother gave me.... The one I had asked for over and over again and finally unwrapped on Christmas morning.

I promised myself to one day paint it! Even had the canvas picked out.... I was so proud the day I made my own promise and kept it...yes I saw some one watching me paint, not really needing to see the persons face because I knew I was safe!!!  

Intoxication can be and is so dangerous. I would title this toxic love but the name doesn't work!! 

So, I'm an attention whore! I love the rhythm and it was the song I admitted as my own... As if it were written for me!

When people tempt me to be good or bad... I try my best, never giving up!!!  

Damsel in Disstress......

If I could name my bathroom it would be stary night... Each room themed after one of my favorite paintings. On date at mimi's the guy asked me what I would paint the colors of my walls if I had a house. I told him each room would have a different theme, back then I said "each would a different city!!" Well, now it's years later and I got my house. So, I'm taking each and every idea I told a guy I dated and actually doing it!! The first one I completed was my instillation. I had told a guy that I would take clothes and pin them on a wall. Using name brand bags for a type of shelf/storage. Some one could ask? "Where's that girl, you were with?" "Painting"

I read in a book to Make the audience of the painting apart of it rather than distant observers... Hence the affect of being surrounded by blue sky. Directing the eye and making it fully aware of the source of inspiration! 

Using eye level as a starting point... Giving an All around affect while they sit and look up!! Using the space of the wall wisely. 

Simple forms, Strong grouping of his figures, the limited depth of his "stage" Giotto rules my world right now!! Definitely what is inspiring my living room!! Yum.

When it's done... It will be more than beautiful.... It will push the lines of interior decorating and design!!!

If you don't believe ask my uncle!!!



 

FUCK I NEED PAINT!!!! 

I see you standing on the fire place!!! Subs in front and giving you the party I wish I had... 

One day the guy I spend the rest of my life with will not only hear the stories but see them.. And say "Damn Girl" 

Ward of the State of Mind

Good girls don't go back!! That's silly!! But fools well that's another story!! I dragged everybody into our affairs! Everyone knew how horrible things had been!! But I didn't know or believe it could get better!!!! If you call me I'll ask you if your gonna hit me! you'll ask me if I'll cry! We will both say no and smile!! Why.... Because I love you and the simple life I dream about! 
Dreams do come true!! 
My Lilyan you are my world and the only one that makes me laugh!!

Little things make me smile!!! Like the smell of you!! Making no promises so there is none to break!! Haha!!  
 
If I could write a thank you letter it would first start with the ones who put me in check and was involved in my twelve step program... Of no more drama! The drama queen has none! its great!! Just a regular little girl raising another one!! What else could I ask for!! People try to get a reaction out of me and even my family yelling.. I was like ok your done!! Cuz I'm not gonna say what you wanna hear... So I just don't say anything at all!! Well except I love you!! And thank you for not putting me behind bars!! 


I even repeated this in a interview and figured out I was done going by some one elses schedule!!! It came to the point of branching out on my own!!! I stopped trying to wish my dreams to come true!!! I made them happen!!! Even to this day I'm plotting and planning my next move.

My GrandPa taught me chess and the name of the pieces!!! Even how to move them on a board.... But it was his wife who taught me how to play poker.... Never admitting she was a gambler!!!

The Drawing Board

Lies to cover up more lies!!!! Some white lies others with a lot more imagination and fabrication
Tall tells and manipulation
A life based on lies was not worth living!!! I looked at all the bull shit... And gave it up!!! There was no more searching for WiFi!! I knew why just didn't know the name of the guy!!! Didn't take the time to ask or even care.... It was just a conspiracy and front page gossip!!! Fresno's Art Hop with nothing to show not even my face!!! 

In one of my mid-night moods of expressing myself. I wrote "Did I ever tell you that your the best I ever had?" 

Than years later I danced to that song by drake(?) Then people wonder why I don't dance anymore.... I was writing songs before I knew it!!! A production is what I'm looking for.......!!!! 

A new face of life eternal!!! New brown eyes to look into!!! Hearing her laugh and giggle laying in bed..... You no longer taking time away from her!!! Her name was suppose to be Wonder Hope Montero!!!!  

All things I forgot!!! Thank goodness my habit is writing everything down!!! Putting it together in a new book to read to her..... ScrapBook Take Over!!! 

Mocking Bird

When I'm alone taking care of lily. I think of my mom! I think of how patient she is with me! I hear her voice while I talk to my child! But I look in the mirror and see my face! It's every single time. And it's always when me and lily are alone! I first hated it and was confused how I could be exactly like my mom. Now I find comfort in it! I wondered how I could change my parable while still holding onto my past and not hating it! By having hope for a better future! Hearing my mothers voice in my own and loving the sound! Being able to care for lily so gentle and kind! Loving me because I love my baby! No matter how old she will always be that 6 month old precious star In my arms! I love giving her a bath because it reminds me of listening to the killers and having her in the tub with me! 

Remembering who you are it's a beat beat beat beat beautiful thing!! Don't look over it embrace it! love it. Then pay it forward! If you can't say anything nice don't say it all... Express yourself in many different forms that are the dance of life! 

LET IT GO!!!!!! 

You can't fool the queen of fools. You can't hold her down! You can't live without her! Look look into my eyes I'll tell you the truth and make you blind! Not just with my looks or my lips but the breathe of life! If I were a virgin I'd bleed blood the color purple!

Stored Energy

Stored Energy

So I'm directing it correctly but the huge issue is still the feeling of constantly being watched, and not being able to laugh! It just seems forced still! I still dont feel like I can be me. I lost me somehow, somewhere!!! Maybe it was lost lake!! Idk? I still have the shirt tucked away. I'm just Waiting for the day to sit down and have the patience to draw my lily pads and the tree I saw when I awoke from my darkest dream! I hold on to these memories to remind me how far I've come and that I still haven't found a way to express them. 

Do you remember the day I looked at you and said "I want to sit down and watch the people dance.... Just to laugh"

Well, thats cuz I don't laugh anymore. I knew going through with this was gonna be filled with tears... Doing something and finishing it. They hate to see me Hurt... I'll make it through the holidays... I gotta... Slowly pulling myself together... Boy george gotta love the originals.. They always say it best!
 
I think I've lost my funny bone or I'm just trying to hard to------
Define Creativity: Yeah thats the thing.. I'm not going off any script anymore. I got the start of my ideas and this is just my process of finishing them. It's like I'm just gonna stay till they are done. In my own studio!!! (fuck Yeah)

My Lily is adorable when she gets frustrated like me.. She said I was cute while we were cleaning the back yard!! The things I do for this child are sometimes hard to believe!!! 

Do you remember the comment I put on my old face book of finding a man that would first treat me right and then I would teach him to be a father to my child?
Well that's is what I see in my head as a happy ending!!!

S.V.M.Haggard (Aka brutally honest) #Real talk

Karma is not to be messed with, some people just learn the hard way.

Devotion Vs. Die

Many Happy Returns Tigger and Eeyore

What do you get when you dont use a period... A run on sentence.

When you got a bunch of one liners it makes a paragraph!  

Mommy just wants it all...
Uncle is action, and Andy is the prop-guy... I'm the star!! I may not be a full time student or part time employ but I have "never heard of a part time parent...." Labels they will do wonders for the ordinary and extremely close minded! 

Not asking for anything more... Just the basics! You get what you pay for and when you don't pay for it... Than that's all there is! 

Crank calls and Telephone.... I remember that game when I was a kid!! And how things get so distorted while it is passed to each person!! And then people wonder why I keep my mouth shut!! Lol!! 


The memories can never be erased. Even when I write them down.... I still have the visuals in my head... (lost lake)! Still waiting for the day to paint what I saw... Some one suggested tracing.. But i would really like to be a true artist. So that means my vision comes from within, and I take the time to learn from some one who is older than me.... It's called Home school for a reason. The Apprentice Aka secretary Aka real life... Non- fiction! 

Due Dates

So the money I was planning on spending on my lily is gone. I think that's why there is such an anger inside me. I seriously spent all day painting the bathroom in hopes when the sun went down today to buy the rest of the paint and make new and repair what once was broken! Now I have to clean my mess and wait till next month to finish what I started! Today was my time limit, has turned into next month! 

I remember when I lived on court St and finally kicked Gilbert out. It was before I watched him fuck another girl in front of me. I was living on welfare and didn't have a reason to go out or party! I stayed home and did nothing. Just like I do now!!! Even though this time I have been a lot more productive and honest. It was one day while I was walking down Main St. I had just gone to the bank and realized I had extra spending money!! I walked into sugar plums and bought myself something!! I don't remember what it was, but I remember the sun shining so bright and that feeling of accomplishment!! I was able to save my money because I didn't have anyone to spend it on! That's the way this month was suppose to go. I knew when my bills were due, I knew what I had to get done around my house and I knew my budget!! The problem is all the strings that are attached when you rely on your income coming from someone else and some one emptying my account because they think they know best!!! If people would take the time to ask..... They would know!

Da Force

Working for M&M Rentals for a life time and it's still not enough!! Still learning and tackling challenges everyday.... Entering the work force one day at a time and getting paid in hugs and kisses; with a good meal and all the ones I love around me is priceless!! All to teach a valuable lesson... Love from is a family is always enough!! No matter what my thoughts tell me!! Listening to music watching the birds out the kitchen window.... Turtle doves. 

Off with the hand cuffs

That feeling of wanting to give up is when I talk myself into keep going!!  The biggest mistake you can make is calling the Person who use to support your bad habits a girl. I am a woman!   In business it is always good to have a little competition. It's what keeps things interesting. I've been given this opportunity to not only remember the lies that were told to me which I repeated, because I was looking for truth in all the wrong places!  Well, I found my truth in my dreams and in lily's voice. In her little question "how was I made?"  Eph5:13 But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light. 14 Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. The night I had the deepest darkest dream was after the " trip from Hell " at St. Johns River (2011) I heard noises of creatures: snakes and crickets and the wind! I didn't understand what was said or ment by the dream. Not enough time had passed! It was only the day I called him Dr. Voodoo!!! It was the beginning of a new life!!! It was also the day Staci Died. In many ways I believe we trade places.... I woke up and was acting like me but not really knowing the meaning of who I am. So, I searched and finally came up with a solution to my problem..... Live a life well lived... It is the best revenge!! (Shelby)  This is not a philosophy statement this is all factual..... A thesis! It is my way of Paying respect to not only the ones who took time to be taught but those who learn and create...  Compared to God I am nothing but to him I am everything.                                         S.V.M.    

Time limits

Girl fights after watching a chicken fight Me- lil, girls fight over the silliest things!  Her- like what?  M- toys,... I just walk away and let the other girl have it!  L- why?  M- cuz I got bigger fish to fry! L- huh?  (scoop her up into my arms and do a whirl)  M- "like you"  Then she gives that " i don't get it look!" M- one day you'll understand...  And a lil advice everything your parents tell you is true even when you think they are pulling your leg!!  I learned that when I had you but didn't understand until I turn 24!  Cuz I tried to throw my own birthday party and no one showed up cuz unlike me they had other responsibilities..... And guess what. Lil- what?  M- your mine!  Bedazzle.... With no glue... Just stitch but not with a machine. Time and patience! Concept coming together... With an all around effect!! What I didn't have time to finish on my other dress I do now... The right way!!  (trying to make sense of all these notes to put them together so I get the point across. Not as easy as I thought it would be) to just have one flowing constant thought from start to finish. Now I know how hard it is to publish a paper everyday and how hard an editor works! Let's just say I think there is more to the story of "The devil wears Prada" than was in the book and the movie!!!

Mimi' Cafe

Dejav"U"  I looked at her, studied her, listened, it was very interesting!! A click went off, like a time bomb!  A muse.... The one who knew just what to say, when to say it! A news broad caster... Huh if only if only.... Everything... All of it, at my finger tips!!!  Touch smell taste! Wait!! Numbness before I runloiuuytijkjll for the finish line. When your running the bases your careful but when your about to reach home... You sprint like a mother fucker!! People think "oh I've made it threw the hard part" but in reality a bullet travels faster then your two legs can Carry you!  I still wonder why my leg doesn't work right... It's just uneven! Especially when I got out the car twice today it hurt all the way down to my bones because it was so cold in the restaurant... Then people wonder why I wear long sleeves in the middle of summer!!! I bet they think I'm trying to cover my tattoos.. Uuuhhhhh no, I know my body and listen to my instincts before I walk out the door!!  They know my plan I wonder if they know I'm editing to cut to the chase!! 

A Tribute to silence

She didn't think I'd remember all the stories she told me. Like how the popular girls would call a girl who they didn't like over to a certain part of the play ground so the boys could touch her. As the popular girls giggled and laughed. She didn't think of the consequences than because she was young. It was high school. She didn't think that it would come back in the end like karma, to bite her in the ass! When I sat across from her in the detention facility next to Bob Wiley. She asked me why God had done this? I looked her in the eye and told her he didn't... I had! The guard came up to us and said we couldn't be holding hands. I was trying to make her feel better! Halloween was spent with out my family, I didn't know what I had done to deserve such a punishment. I remember singing in the vents. It was like a request line. The song I loved Singing was amazing grace. When my family came to my hearing I sat in front of the judge and told him I didn't want to go back home! That was when I moved in with my first foster parent. The first meal I ate at her table was spaghetti! The girls watched me eat two whole plates. It was also the year I didn't go home for my grandmothers birthday because my probation period of being a ward of the state wasn't up! When I did go home for family visits the girls including the parent would go through my stuff and took what they liked! That was how I lost a gift an x boyfriend gave me! (Brian from CVC) It was a skirt, and a tan stripped shirt. The black girl who went to Golden West was the one who stole it! I remember her story of her aunt being killed by her boyfriend! The Aunt's body was found in one of the fields of the people who I had gone to school with at CVC.  If I looked in the papers of that time I could find the names and dates.... But honestly I think the words of these lives and how they were connected is enough for me. If I think back even further I can remember waking up and finding Andy sitting on the couch while I ran around the house getting ready for school! I asked him what he was watching... "the news" The World Trade center had been hit! I sat and said "it looks like a movie"  When I got to my first period English class at CVC the news was on again! I was never the type to sit still long enough to watch the news! I stared out the window and thought about who in my life would be effected by this tragedy! Laura I believe her name was. Her dad worked in a pizza place and was also apart of the Lemoore air base! Her picture hangs on my wall to remind me of the day Andy proposed to my mother at Knotts berry farm! 

See you Monday

Do you remember the day that it was a car full of boys, I believe it was me, g and three others. In a old beat up little blue toyota corolla. The boys were being boys next to St. Johns River. They didn't know what happened to me early that year so they found it funny to try to and stuff me in the trunk! I kicked and screamed, because of the fear! The drive home was the worste because I was balling my eyes out, On g's shoulder but nothing he said made the flash backs go away. Then I think about the day I was standing in the St. Watching g getting his ass beat while his friend held me against his growing meat stick! Now both of these memories happened 7 years apart! I will never believe g has grown up. The only person I see growing up is his first born! I protect the name of the innocent....!!! It took all the control I had to not turn around and do my own dirty work when you put lily in the back seat the other night! You know the day you texted me you wished I was dead was the day my family took her to the circus!!!! Thanks for all the memories of not sticking up for me!!! You were never my friend or family! You not only told everyone what happened to me, you showed videos!!! Forgetting the rules of science... Cause and effect!!! Now the girls you are with will see my face when they look at your little girl! It's the price you pay of disrespecting a woman!!!

Put an end to the bull shit!!!

To: Keep my name outta your mouth for one day (I dare you)  You say rapper scrapper I say Jack the Ripper. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I can't help it that the muscle memory of my body is the figure of a 18 year old twig. the only reason I have hips is cuz I'm a women, not a girl anymore!!! And yes my woo hoo is most likely tighter than yours because the last time I was flapping around like a fish was posted for the world to see!!! So, please realize I'm not a slut no matter how much you love to think so. I don't know how or why people find such pleasure to judge, I suppose it's human nature when a person feels threatened they become very prideful, rude, mean, uncontrollable comments on  facebook (cuz words don't cost a thing). I am guilty of this myself. Well, thanks to utube are you proud of making known my past. Then sending me post cards to see a dr... As if that's going to replace the memories put in my head!!!  Now please remind me when was the last time I talked crap about you? If you enjoy picking on me... Ok! If you got nothing else to talk about... I'm sorry, you look to me as a source of entertainment. (I've retired) So here I am giving you words of complete Honesty, I did nothing wrong! I'm not guilty of anything that I have been accused of!  For the love of music.... peace love unity and respect... Gotta give it before you ask for it in return!! The next time you decide to throw an event to teach some one a lesson or feel like "showed that girl" the only people you are making fools out of Is your selves!!! Emerald & Valley Massive Fever. To remind me of an abusive relationship that went on for to long.  You are all a bunch of stupid people who label me as a Slut, which I still find hard to believe! Take it how you want everyone does anyways! But, know this... I don't regret the life I've chosen. It was not a dream of mine to be a young mom. Either way it is still being fulfilled!!!

What I didn't tell you about devil eggs....

The biggest learning experience today was working with my mom in my kitchen. It wasn't hers so she didn't know where things were and it took more time to explain it instead of just grabbing it and handing it to her!! She was about to boil over a few times because to her I made a mistake!! Since I'm her daughter we fight like cats and dogs!! What she doesn't know is that my biggest test is having patience with her! Last night in the car she was trying to tell me how some medicine was working great for her blah blah blah some dr. Told her to try it!!! I was like yeah sure I'm so happy for you!! Hell no I'm not taking any drugs unless it's well.... In a form of yummy smelling weed! Ill see one for broken bones and my eyes and to clean my teeth but a broken heart is something only time will heal!  If I can have patience with my mom and try to work with her just cooking a meal than I know I can work with others and listen to their ideas before jumping to conclusions!   

Flash forward....

Have you ever felt like a princess.... Just cuz you were born into the right family. One that would do anything for you! Ive been one my whole life.... And it's hard to break old habits! A life style change... Well that's a different story! I've got a lot of editing to do....... Blah!  

Written Aug. 7 2011

Walking down the st one day. She asked me why everyone was looking at her. I told her it's because she is so beautiful and she's a princess!! Every family that has opened their hearts to her would say the same thing. I wish I could love again. I use to be so happy! Without a care in the world! When I was in foster care my mom bought me a book that was the lyrics to the song I hope you dance. "I don't Dance anymore" just in my lil room and even than I call it a work out. 

Written Aug. 6th, 2011

The nightmares don't stop... Every single one about this house!!! This time a tornado hit it and my front yard blew into everyone else yard. I noticed because I looked out my front window and noticed the things folded next to my front door where everywhere. When i went back inside it grew spider webs inside... I ran out. First I cried falling on my knees. I tried to help With my poker face. I look in my garage and saw my uncles car! Just untouched! Perfect! Before I fell asleep I thought of kicking Santos in the balls then jacking his car keys. Before walking away tell him that's what you get for leaving a girl with a child without a car!! Thoughts of hate always give me bad dreams!! Even in the dream I asked myself how could I get out of this. Then I woke up and I'm still in this house. When you hate reality. This is what happens your dreams tell you everything! That your unwilling to realize on your own. That is a God thought! The happy moment of the dream was being in a stadium walking down to the middle sitting and reading the cardboard box and children playing! I was being baby sat along with the other children just like in a Sunday school. I looked at the empty seats. Not wishing for anyone. Just at peace! Regular me! Lily wasn't there but I knew she was safe! I didn't recognize the faces watching me. But Idc!!! He put me there! Idk if he listened! Peace and contentment is great gain!   

I sleep much better cuddling lily instead of the cat! 

When you are putting a puzzle together. You first look at the picture for an example. Then you look at the edges. Sometimes. I like to start with a color or object. Then don't just look at the pieces but the details in the piece. The shape and the color and shades. How else will the puzzle fall together? How else will you finish it! You have to have hope for an end of the thing! You have to otherwise when you are lead astray you will fall and never get back up. My hope was once lost. But I found it in my dreams. In a seed sown so deep I didn't know what or how to explain until some else watched me and I saw what he did. I called him nata but he opened my eyes. I say he is the dj that saved my life. He named the book himself. But he was not the dj I feel in love with.

So in my book his name will be Dr. Voodoo! (lol) Central Valley will one day buy the book and I'll say it was inspired by the movie Lady in the Water! By Le Crozz! So I got the plot. Outline and characters. The trick is printing it all shorting out the bs and selling the idea! Freaking A! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Fuck my life.... I just wrote another one and I love the happy ending of the giving trees! Hahahahahahahahaha BITCHS AND MY ♪───Ｏ（≧∇≦）Ｏ────♪

It's funny how everyone tried to help me to not repeat my past. They really did think I was crying wolf when I said I was threw... I should have said over and out.. And Roger Roger Roger!! 

Written Aug. 4th, 2011

"get your hands outta the cookie jar" 


The story never ends because life never does... Even when you try to take your own, unwillingly. It is in the blood! It's where all the secrets are hide and the truth is revealed. I love truth I know it's because it's something inside of me that has grown for 3 1/2 years and now is! I didn't see it before because I was unwilling to except the truth. But the truth is. Like I told..... (for me to know and you to keep guessing)

Idk if he's moved on. Idk if he'd still even want to be my friend. Idk if we even have anything in common anymore. All I know is the last dream I had he was the hot guy! He always has been. Even in Arizona! Even today I said the words I love you and started crying because Idk if I'll even get the chance to say it to his face!

I know who I share my child with and I know who she will never meet! I know all these things because I am a mother and will do anything to protect her! When I felt threatened that my place in her life was being taken over because Gilbert neighbors child asked if I was lily's step mom!! Then the old woman told him to shut up!!!

Their lucky I was strong enough to keep the child and give birth to her! It was just me and my grams going to the dr apt.'s.

(I'm not trying to be rude... Just brutally honest) if you can't handle the truth than get out the way. Me and lily are a package take it or leave it)

Written Aug. 3rd, 2011

running Errands


When I look at my instillation I don't see the holes I see something I love. 

When I drink my hate comes out... I poured the drink and threw the gag... 

Tries to sell the shit he wasted his money on... Haha... Call the repo man!!  

Justinbeaver hair.... For the love of music with out the gear! 

Happiest moment in my life!! Sitting in lectures of Truth from the men of my church!! 

Written Aug 2nd, 2011

When truth is sitting right in front of you and you don't see it... What do you say? "Holy Shit" lol! (keeper) 


A fashion history lesson!! 

You know the dress fits perfectly when you just popped the seam you just sewed. Next step zipper! Not doing that again. Need manican so I can turn it around and work the whole thing from top to bottom. Otherwise I try to finish one part neglecting the rest! Fml! 

I laid out the back of the dress and it looked like butterfly wings... So that is what I'm making... I'm an ameature seamsters but I know how to make a damn amgaing costume! 

Just sitting in my dress makes me feel beautiful... Oh this dress is gonna be drop dead gorgeous! It's coming together so well! 


Ps. I love me!! Who is me? Steph. From the San J. Central Valley! Not L. A. Not Pixely. I have grown up all over the valley. Shared a lil bit of me (my life) with everyone. That's cuz when I wasn't looking my room mates would read my journals. I constantly would try to run away. But my tattoos would give me away. I died and then came back. For a reason still unknown to me. But it is not about me but for the Glory that is in me. A light that will shine so bright on Sunday night. A red glow. In a blue dress on a floor with no shoes! Idc where just as long as I'm thinking of him and smiling. Wishing he was my dj... Again! 

You know how you base a turkey for thanks giving I'm basting the hell out of my dress! 

Past and present combined

Written July 27, 2011
A battle I no longer have to fight. A war that is been taken out of my hands! A life that has been saved and justice will be served. Instead of taking it into my own hands. I get to make up for all the time I've missed her first steps (arizona Feb 2008) and her first bump on her head (Dec 2008) I looked at the old apt yesterday. Where I held her and she felt her first rain drops. A memory I wish I had a picture of! But I can only write about it now so I never forget! 


Today I once again saw the people I was once neighbors with at the time I was thinking of this very moment in my life! I looked at them and was not rude!! I remembered their names.... The memory written above was when all of my neighbors were asleep. It was just me and my lil me!!! (Peace be with you) is what I wanted to say but it's not Christmas time! If only the things I wrote were a lie!

Written July 26th, 2011

PAPER TRAILS..... Are worst than pictures!! I don't leave her alone for a second. While she takes a bath, I enjoy just watching her play with her toys! My mom bought me a new journal! It's so pretty! She has already given me so much!

I'm about to get the life I've dreamed of! Peace... Love... Joy....  I looked at her room and thought of what I would want as a child. She can never sleep with out a night light. So I am going to make Christmas light nettings into stars above her bed with the other lights spell her whole name! She will love living here! there will be the day of her begging to come home cuz she loves it here! I will wait till then! That will be the day of my greatest accomplishment! I constantly feel lost with out her! To have to share her is the worst idea in the World!

My family grew from hard work and long hours in the fields! I told everyone the truth if they asked or not! It caused physical pain if I didn't! And that's why they thought I was bipolar like my mother! But the truth is nothing to be ashamed of! It's what has given me back my life. To where even when I have my nightmares of reality.... I still look forward to the end of those 24 hours! Just to start the new day! With my child and her hello kitten! And I can handle my dreams.. It reminds me that I haven't fallen from God but that he is with me. Last night was the prove I needed... And the reason I have a testimony of going from Darkness into Light! That little voice of her's is so precious like a stone with out price! This Child was not given to Gilbert's family. There was no death in his family where a life needed to be replaced! Her middle name is Jennifer for Juanita Padilla Mendoza!

Written July 24h, 2011

While I walked home the other day..... I was looking at the ground and saw so many Sparkles. It was like a lil paved road of black and gems. I'm using all the excuses everyone is giving me to stay home and finally clean my house. It smells like an old peoples home and my body is wasting away. I've given up my idea of fun to be not only a good mom but a great one! Everyone likes to think I'm just like my mom!I'm to young and beautiful to not see the WORLD!

Written July 23, 2011

A different form of art.... Is how I express myself! 

Written July 20th, 2011

I can't shake the feeling that I ate a snake... Idk why or why the thought is so scary. But the stupid bruise on my hip. Uuuhhhhh I'm not sleeping outside anymore without a tent! 

Written July 10, 201

If you have peace in Life it is from God! We learn ourselves!! We are looking for something that's real! We are looking for the kingdom! 

Written July 8th, 2011

To give it all away is what got me in this mess. To never say goodbye is the hardest. To be the kindest gentlest person and be treated so mean. To have the judgement come down and never be able to laugh or play! I love my world and those in it. I love my life and I need you... Each and every day!!! To see the faces and hear the thought. To be all alone to look at that room and always pray..... To not see a beautiful face when I look in the mirror. To not love yourself because you need someone else to love you. Just giving up and never following through. I only told Santos how he always runs when things get hard. But it was because I made them so easy. When I love..... I love you from your head down to your toes!!!!!! I'm a princess and I rule my life with a cold heart. Kinda like Queen Elizabeth! 

Written July 3rd

When you held me. I began to feel! My leg against yours, I felt my nerves and muscles begin to grow! The emotions of all of this is just a roller coaster! I have let strangers into my house! I have given away my money and time to thieves and robbers! Pain is Good it reminds your still alive! I tried to play it safe but I pulled all the wrong moves. So, I lost my fun life but I did gain all the attention. Some good some bad. I got my home, my lily and my health and all the time I need to be a mom. 

Written May 28, 2011

Love is complicated... Not easy or even worth it sometimes! But when you have found someone to spend the rest of your life with does it matter if they are your husband? Nope! They are more then just a ring on your finger! They are in your heart and that is where they will always stay! That is how God planned it when he put the world in our heart. I like using my phone better because I type fast! It keeps up with my thoughts! It is our will that keeps us from seeing the truth! The simplicity of Christ is loving him like a child! The purest undefiled form of love! He set the example! When we can trust him like a child trusting their parent then everything else will fall into place! Man I love writing! It's the easiest way to let go! It's like talking to God! And then you see the thought in written form just like the bible. It's God's written thoughts to us. They are life and peace to us ward! I think my new journal will say dear Pa! Cuz in all my hopes, is that he is there and not repeating a parable here on Earth! Living another life to learn what he didn't in the last! He taught me so well and it only took 11 years of watching him! I miss the moon! Well I always watched the woman he choose to spend the rest of his life with! Such a beautiful teacher! I'm so happy i look like her! I remember the last thought he had... He was scared! He didn't know if he had done enough! Didn't know where he'd go! Well I trust God knew his heart and put him where he belonged! I believe when I die I will be with my Father. If I can have peace in the carnal mind and know I am what God says I am, then what more could I ask for! I am Patience, Honesty and Miss. Montero! I will make Raul proud and be loud like my mother taught me! My life will be the example to my child and to others! I am a stone.. Who likes to get stoned! Lol! I will not be a stumbling block! I will have roots deep in the Earth like a tree and not move no matter how strong the wind blows! My words will strengthen my brethren and have a conscience to God ward! Life and death is in the power of the lips! And if I fall.... I GOT THE BEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD..... Reveal2 Church! They have taught me 3 1/2 years the greatest book in the world! It's funny how it's been a listening school! My eyes are blind but like tim said... You don't use these eyes to see the kingdom of God! Heaven is about out thoughts. So look up a word that God has given you

Written April 3rd, 2011

BE STRONG FEAR NOT 

ISA35:1-be strong and fear not, you will have perfect peace for those who keep your mind on God, we walk by faith (rom10:17), he changed the truth into a lie with one word, when God talks to us we receive faith, or we can walk by fear and it is our choice, rooms1:17-liberty, freedom, healed. 1john4:17- Gods love for us is so greater then any fear we can have. Perfect love=understanding how much God loves you, a fear can be so subtle, wolf in Sheeps clothing, isa35:4 the fear speaks in the very depth of our heart, isa35:4 just take the thought God has given you think on the new bread, God comes to talk to you and your afraid, we begin to look at us and who we are (our sin) we will be afraid, so look at God, read Job. Fear will come back and deceive you. Listen to God and there will be no fear, ISA 35:4-8 God will save you, when we hear the word of the Lord why do we not abide in them? God is faithful to those who are faithful to him. Elijah and the woman who took care of him. She was commanded by the Lord. 1kings17:  2tim3:1 2cor11 know this in the last Perlish times should come, be faithful in all things, 1tim4:11, 1kings17:1-
If God loves me why do I care if you don't like me. The word of thy mouth is truth!
I was deceived but didn't understand how until I took time to myself and finally wasn't a pleaser of men!

Taking Advice

I love to write, it's what I have done ever since I was in elementary school. I may not spell well or have proper grammar, I just have a certain style! I would sit in my room every summer and read poems! One book I remember the most was chicken noodle soup for the teen age soul! I just finished watching home alone part one and two! It made me laugh so hard I turned into a giggle pisser!

This summer has been about learning how I am! I have grown up so much, but as usual I was the last one to figure it out! Yes, I am weird and very different from any normal child. I guess that is how it is when you believe to have taught yourself. I look at my little me and think wow... She's growing up so fast! Then my parents (all 4 of them) look at me and say the same thing! I once thought running away was the solution, but all I really need was a break! Sshhhhzzzz everybody else had a summer vacation! Why couldn't I? From the real world?

People like to think I'm withdrawing... No I'm painting and writing poems and taking care of lily! Being a stay at home mom, something i havent done before... Boring yes!! But boy boy do I love it!!

Drama free baby mama is what I call it!!!